Envy That Corrupts

Envy. Invidiousness. Is it an obstacle or a manner of motivation? Is it the bane or the remedy? What truly defines envy? Is it the respite we have when we see the more superior? Is it the sense of defeat that ensues when we see one who is more superior? Is it really something that is not good?

Or is it something else?

Is it the motivational spirit to drive us to be better than what we witness? Is it the growing feeling of determination to do things to be more superior than the ones who are more superior than you? Is it a good emotion, this envy?

So many questions. Yet, all of this head towards one answer.

It depends.

While some of us are able to control our envy, some of us cannot. In fact, this envy becomes unbearingly heavy that people tend to do stupid things because of it. But, the question is this. Do we need envy? Do we want the motivational feeling that envy can provide?

I do not need it.

If i want motivation, i will get my motivation by myself. I do not need envy to provide me strength. I will strive by myself.

So, today, i face yet another entity with the hopes that i do not need to face it again.

Envy.

Envy sat on a chair, reading a book. The cover was black, the pages were green in colour. Not your typical book that you would find in bookstores or libraries. Envy had his eyes glued on a single page for two minutes before looking up.

"Good evening to you, Andrew," he said. He paused before smiling, "But,of course, there is neither day nor night in this place. Please, make yourself comfortable." He stood up to draw me a chair. As i sat, he bustled at the tea counter, taking out a cup and filling it with tea. "Earl Grey,if you do not mind,"Envy said,"I'm afraid coffee is not my cup of tea though u might find the tea to be rather good, if i may." I nodded as i sipped on the tea. Glancing around, i noticed shelves of books, all which are covered in black.

"Rather sad,don't you think?" Envy asked gloomily. He waved at the shelves. "These are not mere books. These are collections, compilations of many things. Things which hold an interest for me. Yes, these books are the envy of people. The feeling of envy that is in a human." He walked to a shelf and took a book. Closer observation showed that the book,which was covered in black had their titles written in bright red ink and the spine of the books were made of black onyx. The book he took was titled "Invidiousness".

"The funny thing about being called Envy is that i,myself, do not like the word. I feel as though the word holds no significance. Yet, it is an important human emotion,don't you agree?" Envy sighed as he placed the book on the table.

"Envy is an uneasy feeling. Unlike my brother, Jealousy, whose emotions are human-related only, envy can be forwarded towards many aspects. Which brings us to our discussion today.

What is it that you feel about envy? What is it that makes you uneasy about me?" Envy looked directly at me. I returned the stare as i composed my thoughts. This is not gonna be easy, i thought. I took another sip before i began.

" To most humans, no, to most normal humans, envy is a feeling that forces you to work for something that you feel you should be able to attain. As long as it is attainable by another, envy gives us a 'push' into believing that you yourself are able to attain that thing. I beg to differ in that opinion. Envy 'pushes' us to think that the thing that others have attained would be beneficial for ourselves. A huge percentage of the time, that is untrue. What might seem to be good for some, is poison for others. I have seen people going down that road before, dreaming of achieving something others have, but blinded to other options."

"I hate that,"I continued bluntly, "Envy causes restrictions in our options. Restrictions that we do not seem to realize, in our blindness to achieve something that may have adverse effects on ourselves. While i admit that envy can be a driving force, the side effects and counter forces are too great."

Envy nodded thoughtfully. "Rather like a Pyrrhic victory, is it not?" he asked, " Knowing you and your words; one man's perception is another man's confusion, i must say that this is rather like you."

Taking up his cup of tea, he gazed at the bookshelves that, no matter how long you stare at it, were ominously filled with a darkness that fills the heart with negative feelings. "What you must realize, Andrew, is that envy varies in people. For you, the effect might not be favorable," he said, "Before i continue, though, what is the proof that I am a threat to you? As far as memory serves, there was no case in which envy has taken you before."

As i pondered the question, another voice entered the discussion, answering the question for me. It was HD.

"Prevention is always better than cure. If envy has never taken him before, it is because of the control that he exerts on himself. However, control only last for so long. As long as the problem exists, it is a problem. Personally, I think it is better if there never was a case." HD said. Envy was silent as HD entered the room. Finally, he nodded.

"Yes, weighing both advantage and disadvantage on scale, it is better if there never was a case. But, Andrew, you came here knowing that you can never destroy me. You can only confine me. While, unlike my brother, Anger, you choose not to use me and thus, you want to keep me shackled in the deepest part of your heart. While i have neither the will nor the right to oppose that decision, i shall, as tradition wills it, part with a warning."

The room darkened as the lights dimmed. The true form of Envy, a blackish-green insignia of a rose, shimmered in the dim lights.

Envy is not removed.

It is controlled.

Whether you can keep it, it is up to you.

Whether you can hold it, it is up to you.

Remember.

I am not with you.

I am you.

At last, The One Who Envies has been conquered.

真実と事実

"I put you through hell, yes, but it was a hell you needed to experience. The pain, suffering, death.. all were necessary. I served the purpose of the universe, just as you did. If not for my dark presence, you would never have found the path you were required to travel. People needed devils and dark gods, if only to give them a foe to rally against, an obstacle to overcome. Your people understood that there can be no light without darkness, no good without evil, no triumph without setbacks. You cannot kill me because i am part of all that you are, all you have done and plan to do. You do not have to like me. You can even loathe me. But you must accept me."

That is my new resolution.That is what I will do. Because that is the truth.. and the fact.

CCW

Rage of The Soul

Anger. Hatred. Despise. Resentment. All are connected. Anger creates hatred. Hatred flames despise. Despise leads to resentment. Resentment causes anger. They become a part of human nature. The impatient feeling that is slowly ignited in a human. The destructive force that has supposedly fueled human to advancements and degeneration. And yet, useful it may be, it was something i did not want to have.

I never liked anger. I never liked the fact that the human nature will change the moment anger takes control. Controllable? Yes. Uncontrollable? Even more so. The redness that has always signify anger glows ever so brightly in humans. Frustration. Rage. And if one time is not enough, humans are capable of going berserk for more times than we can imagine.

I resent that.

My resentment does not come from fact that i am angry but more to the sense of regret. I regret the fact that anger brings out the worst in a person. I regret the fact that there are many factors in our surroundings that are capable of catalyzing anger. I regret the fact that anger has caused meaningless deaths.

I regret knowing anger.

I decided that i must eliminate anger from my system. It is not much to the world but it means a lot to me. And so, here i stand in front of my anger with the aim of preventing its control over me.

The first battle begins.

Anger.

Anger stood in front of me. From a normal person's view, they would suspect nothing from his calm face and relaxed posture. However, closer observation shows otherwise. Anger is not only by outlook. One who has enough experience will be able to conceal one's outlook of anger. But not the eyes. The eyes are the only giveaway that a person is angry. The dead, serious eyes that hold no emotion other than anger itself. Eyes that pierce you, showering its target with resent and despise.

Anger.

Anger heaved a sigh as I stood in front of him. "Somehow," he said,"I knew it was only time before you decided to face me." His voice had a touch of resentment as though he had not yet accomplish what he had wanted done. I faced him with determination in my eyes. Determination to see this through. To clarify matters. To settle what needs settling.

"Don't be mistaken, my friend." I paused, composing my mind to find the right words.

"I do not intend to destroy your existence.I do not intend to completely remove you from my existence. All I want is concealment. I want restrain. I have seen what happens when you are set loose. I do not wish to walk that path again."

Anger relaxed his clenched fists. The eyes which had only anger slowly gained something else. Comprehension. Anger had understood me a little. However, this was far from over. The first step has been executed. Time to master anger.

Anger turned its back on me to gaze at the red-orange tinge of the setting sun.

"Anger," he said,"comes whether you like it or not. If it is not frustration, it is indignation. If it is not incurred wrath, it is annoyance. You are right. You cannot destroy me. It is not whether you want to, its that you simply CAN'T. You do not remove anger. You do not dispel wrath completely. You merely restrain it." I nodded.

"But," Anger turned to face me, " What makes you think that you can control me?"

" What sense of pride has clouded you so much that you think you can restrain me?"

"Can you truly deny the rage of your soul? Can you always be the patient person you are known to be? I doubt you can. Sooner or later,you will let me consume you. I have been your wrath all these years. I know what can happen. And yet, you say that you have the strength to deny me. If you do have it, show me." Anger stood in front of me, his form radiating unbearable heat. The ground gave the sense of engulfing flames. This was Anger's ground. Rage. Anger. Frustration. Wrath.

I turned my gaze from Anger to the sky. Even the sky exhibited reddish colours from the flames that now licked the earth. The iridescence of the sky in Anger's world. I smiled and looked at Anger.

"I don't have that strength." Anger's look was incredulous as i said that.

"Like you said, I can't keep you tethered strong enough to prevent you from coming out. Because of that, I make sure that I can rely on someone whenever i feel that i cannot control you."

"And that is why, i'm here." Another voice joined the fray as HD joined us. "I will be the extra restrain that will keep you in check, Anger." Anger looked at HD and laughed.

"I knew something was up but this was against what i had expected. This should be exciting. Very well, Andrew. I'll see just how much you can keep me controlled. Remember your own saying. A chained beast only gets more violent upon its release. As my master, i am obliged to wish you all the best." Anger turned around." But do not forget, there will be times when you need me. Do not hesitate. Do not fall back. Only go on. The flames that are in your soul will be forever be there, never extinguished, ever blazing."

"I will remember that," I replied. Anger smiled.

"The rest are not so easygoing as me. You will need to be more prepared when you face the others. My brothers," he sneered,"some of them are not to my liking."

Anger vanished as he spoke his final sentence. The flames which were burning the ground opened a path forward.

The first battle has ended.

As i left Anger's world, i reflected on what has happened.

Anger is in us, whether we like it or not. Everything,however, ends up with choices. Humans themselves would have to choose and decide. The pieces are already there. What matters is the move that one makes.

For now, The One Who Rages has been mastered.

CCW

Correction of a 'Flaw'

Now, it seems to me that apparently Andrew has written a flaw in his latest post. What is that flaw, you ask? Allow me to present an excerpt from his recent post and see if you can detect the flaw...

Anger. Sloth. Gluttony. Envy. Jealousy. Pain. Guilt. Greed. These were the negative forces that i had stripped off from myself. I removed them from myself so that i could control myself and not be consumed by the dark. As cliched as it sounds, i understood the magnitude of the situation. HD was looking at me with that serious eyes of his.

"What are you gonna do?" he asked, "You knew this would happen the moment you became invulnerable and succumbed to your weakness." I nodded. "I know," I muttered,"This is something i will have to settle fast." Eight entities. I would have to face them again and prove that i could go on without them. The emotions. Negative feelings. I do not need them. Yet, they are part of the human God created.

..

...

....

Did you notice the so-called flaw? Because i didn't. But anyway let us highlight the flaw that has been discovered.

HD's words rang in my ears as i grasped the situation. I understood what he was trying to say. As i opened my mouth to reply, i paused. Anger. Sloth. Gluttony. Envy. Jealousy. Pain. Guilt. Greed. These were the negative forces that i had stripped off from myself. I removed them from myself so that i could control myself and not be consumed by the dark. As cliched as it sounds, i understood the magnitude of the situation. HD was looking at me with that serious eyes of his.

"What are you gonna do?" he asked, "You knew this would happen the moment you became invulnerable and succumbed to your weakness." I nodded. "I know," I muttered,"This is something i will have to settle fast." Eight entities. I would have to face them again and prove that i could go on without them. The emotions. Negative feelings. I do not need them. Yet, they are part of the human God created.

Don't ask me why but apparently the last sentence was a flaw. Now, I'm not here to completely explain to you what is going on in Andrew's head while he wrote this. The explanation is for him alone to provide, if he wishes to. I'm merely the advisor and all i'm gonna do is shed some light over this matter.

Negativity.

It is wanted and yet unwanted depending on the situation. The problem here is that there is argument that GOD did not create, to quote, "all the negativity". Now, i do not know what you learn in arguments but the quote is a flaw by itself.

"All the negativity"?

Can anyone be really sure that God did not create all the negativity?

This, is a perfect example of overgeneralization.

The phrase "all the negativity" is assuming that God has no part at all in those negativity that we humans have. If so, where did those negativity come from? Positivity? Are we safely sure that Newton's third law is applicable here?

No.

I may not be the one that wrote the subject flaw but i do know that the flaw is NOT a flaw. Whether or not this is unsupported remains to be seen. I would like to delve further into deciphering whether the creation of negativity was in fact, the work of God but more of that on another date. Perhaps a couple of lines ought to clarify things up for now.

The fact that there is negativity in humans proves that humans are not perfect. In fact, they should not be. A world isn't fit for perfection and it will never be. And God DID NOT create perfect humans. How can i be so sure about this? Because perfection is only an illusion. No human is perfect. They may be perfect in the exterior but definitely not in the interior. You might say that certain ups have been the catalyst for which negativity is born in humans. But, let me ask you a question.

Just who do you think it was that created negativity?

Is it the nature of humans that developed such an intricate feeling? No. Was it the fact that humans created such things to keep themselves in check? No.

But i would say that God, if you ever believed in one, created the dark and light of humans. He did that and gave us one more push so that the balance will be kept.

CHOICE.

Just that and that alone is the determinant. That's all there is to it. Humans choose. God creates.

HD

The Commencing

I leaned on my car as i viewed the sunset that filled the sky with an orange blaze. This was one of those times where the world does not seem so bad. I breathed in the air as the scenery etched itself in my memory. This was something to remember, for as long as i exist. The orange sky. The white clouds. The setting sky. Everything was perfect. Although, i knew reality was not a bit like that.

"This is just like you," a voice said, "I knew i would find you here." I turned to see HD beside me, taking in the scenery as i was. I nodded. "Yeah, this is one of those places where i can relax and forget about reality." HD snorted. "Whatever you do, you can't runaway from reality. No matter how much you try to forget, you cannot forget facts. Ignore them as you might, but there are still there. Which is why i'm here."

I looked at him, eyebrows raised.

"What do you mean?"

"I'm talking about what you did last time. The fact that you threw away certain things to get along with your life. The fact that you gave me your anger, sloth, gluttony, envy, jealousy, pain, guilt and greed just so you can go on. The fact that you gave them to me because you cannot control them. And the assumption that i could control it. Well, i could. But only to a certain extent. I did not realize that each of those forces that you gave me gained an entity of its own at the moment when you were at your weakest. I presume you know what i'm talking about?"

HD's words rang in my ears as i grasped the situation. I understood what he was trying to say. As i opened my mouth to reply, i paused. Anger. Sloth. Gluttony. Envy. Jealousy. Pain. Guilt. Greed. These were the negative forces that i had stripped off from myself. I removed them from myself so that i could control myself and not be consumed by the dark. As cliched as it sounds, i understood the magnitude of the situation. HD was looking at me with that serious eyes of his.

"What are you gonna do?" he asked, "You knew this would happen the moment you became invulnerable and succumbed to your weakness." I nodded. "I know," I muttered,"This is something i will have to settle fast." Eight entities. I would have to face them again and prove that i could go on without them. The emotions. Negative feelings. I do not need them. Yet, they are part of the human God created. HD turned his gaze to what was left of the setting sun.

"Looks like i don't have a choice. I'll lend you a hand in this matter. After all, it is my problem,too."

I smiled as i stare at the sky. The days are gonna get rough. Its time to do what i have done before. To break down the negativity that resides within my body. To change what is there to be changed. To minimize the side effects. To make sure that i do not succumb to the temptations of negativity. This is the showdown between us and what i have thrown away.

This is the Commencing.

CCW

The Beginning

The starting of a new life. Or is it really a new life? Did I turn over a new leaf? Did I change from my old self? Did I do something that signify a difference to which i was leading my life with?

This is the beginning of a new dawn.

The rise of one who has been through hell and came back to once again regain himself.

I compose myself as i sat down and looked at the immense pile of work that awaited me, some done, some half-finished, the rest untouched. I heaved a sigh as i pulled the nearest stack of paper towards me and begin to write.

It was not as though it was something new to me. In fact, this was normal for someone like me. Expectations had to be met. Goals had to be achieved. Visions must be fulfilled. That is how i get on with life. Even so, one can hardly not let out a sigh of exasperation with such a workload. Studies to be gone through. Books to be perused. Ideas to be laid out. Plans to be worked out and executed. Such things may be detrimental but this is who i am.

It is the beginning of journey.

There are many things out there that i have to regain. Many things that i have to accomplish. Not to forget the increasing amount of stress that i have to cope with. The tension, burden and endless assignments, to be managed in a given time or at leisure. This is merely the prelude for something else.

However, no matter how much i have to bear, i'm not alone in this.

I have HD with me to keep things in check. Together, there is nothing that we cannot do. Obstructions will be destroyed. Barriers will be broken. All of this for the sake of a better future. Come rain or shine, we'll weather through it. Nothing can stop our journey for future. This is not the end of something old. This is the continuity, the proceeding of what we have worked for. The journey has just started. The gears which have been oiled, began their movements. The power cogs are functional.

This is the Beginning.

CCW

Reconstruction

I stood in the deserted graveyard, next to the broken gravestones that signified the return from my death. I cast a gloomy eye at the remains of the graveyard. Here lies the past, the present and the future. That which has been the breaking of my spirit and the rebuilding of the heart. This was where i reconstruct.

I glanced at the moss-filled tombstones that litter the ground. Two of them caught my eye as it was not ones which were there before.

They read;

Endurance is not just the ability to bear a hard thing but to turn it into glory

Perseverance At the end of every challenge is the beginning of something new

"Found it haven't ya?" a voice said from behind.

I nodded without turning around. "Funny the way you decided to etch the message in my head."I said as HD stood beside me.

HD smirked and said, "What better way of reminding than having it etched here where i was sure you would visit again. This was your origin after all. I was certain that you would visit this place after your reawakening."

Again, i nodded.

This was the very place that sense had been forced into me. The place where i discovered my reason for existence. The place where i regained my reason and logic. The place where he was formed.

This is me building back from where i dropped. Picking up the pieces of my life that i had left when i died. This is the first stepping stone. The one step forward.

The reconstruction.

CCW

Something deep..

The past is there for you to remember your efforts,

The present is there for you to know and take comfort,

The future is there for you to wonder what's coming,

You are here to know exactly why you're standing.

HD

The Death and the Return

(Crooning)

There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface,

Consuming, Confusing,

This lack of self control i feel is never ending,

Controlling, I can't seem

to find myself again..my walls are closing in...

I felt this way before, so insecure..

(harmonizing)

Crawling in my skin , these wounds they will not heal,

Fear is h0w i fall, Confusing what is real...

Crawling- Linkin Park

Yes, the title is true..

I died again.. and yet, i returned again..

...

.....

It's a metaphor, idiots..

As i lay on my deathbed, i compose my epitaph..

" Here lies a person who tried his best but just couldn't give his best.. He dies here in honor and also serve a reminder to the world.. It is not what one can do or what one should do, but what one must do that sets the system in motion"

And as i close my eyes for the journey beyond, i'm stopped by another voice that has been with me since i was 15.

"Is this really how you want it to end?"

I sighed.

I feel broken, dispirited, lost and painstakingly annoyed with world that i live in, i thought. If i could die and relieve the stress, wouldn't it be better?

The voice chuckled as though he had read my mind.

"You have a long way to go. Mistakes, what of it? Depression, what of it? Pain, what of it? You really think that dying can save you from the misery that you have casted on yourself? Look at you. When i first met you, you were a reasonable person, pertaining to reasoning, logic and sometimes pure instinct when your heart tells you so. Even then, you always chose the right path. Where is that person now? Look at what you have become. Just because of mistakes, you falter. Just because of unbearing pain, you stop."

I listened to the voice and i realized that what he said was true.

Yes, I have made mistakes, more mistakes than normal people my age would have made.

Yes, I piled misery on myself,but wasn't that because i was the bearer of pain?

Yes, I have been pained over and over again but as he said,

"So what?"

Because of the burden that became heavier and heavier, a single mistake caused me to think irrationally. I have forgotten the essentials, the reason as to why I, who have been burdened, have lived on and survived till today. I have forgotten myself. The reason of my existence.

My eyes which have been gaunt and haunted,regained a bit of my former self.

But, the pain was still there. The suffering that i had inflicted on myself, still showed in the wounds of my heart. I still felt dispirited.

"You are not alone in this matter. Your mistakes are mine as well. We were both at fault at what happened. But i have already told you. So what of the mistakes? Mistakes are made to be reflected not regretted. I cannot allow you to wallow in the pain anymore. I will draw out the very source of your despair. Let me be your vanguard.. your chevalier. You, the one who revels in despair and sorrow, will return again to face the cruel world that you live in...and i'll be there to bear the pain and the agony as you face it.."

My life flashed through my eyes as i realized what i have become.

A wretch..i had become inhuman.. lost without reason.. and he brought me back..

I died.. and returned once again, to show that i can.. that i will..that i shall forever be..Master of Sorrow..

"If there is no sorrow, then be sorrow. If there is no justice,then be justice. If there is no pain, then be the pain.. If there is no one, then remember me. I am the pain of your wounds, the stress in your veins, the suffering of your plight,and the rage in your heart. If it comes to the end, I'll be there to crush down whoever's in your way.. You are who you are. I am who I am and who you are.I am the heart of your soul."

As his words rang in my ears, i picked myself up. It's not the time to die yet. There are things to do. I'll bear the burden i have and i'll crush those in my way. That is who i have always been. The voice that spoke to me heaved a sigh.

" Really had to reel you in on this one. Now,its time to bring the rain, to kill and be insane,to-"

"relish and bear the pain," i cut in, "Thanks for the wake up call. I feel awake now. Time to set the system running, shall we?"

The voice laughed.

"Let's roll,"

I left the empty graveyard, leaving behind the broken pieces of my death. This is only the beginning. There are many things that i have to do.

Through the rain and through shine,

Nothing's stopping me from taking what's mine,

Get in my way, and we'll crush you,
Everything for the sake of a dream to come true.

CCW

Smoke and kill.. Books and will

I drove to college on a cold morning at 6.45. It had been raining the previous night. I parked my car just a few meters away from college and sighed as I got out. Today was going to be just another day. Nothing ever changes in the way i run my life. Nothing new as always. I opened the front portion of my bag and took out a cigarette. Kent, i thought. " Dude, you gotta be kidding me," I muttered as i lighted the cigarette. I stood there staring into space, puffing away and wondering.. whether i should have a change..

"Why think when you can make it happen?" a voice spoke. I snapped out of my reverie and turned around. HD stood on the other side of my car, looking at me with that serious look he has sometimes. "Mornin'" I muttered,"Hard to change if there isn't anything there for change.."

"Tch"

HD shook his head. "Look at you.. I gotta admit, I'm surprised that you actually tried smoking. And here's the one who said that smoking kills." I laughed as he said that. "True," I admitted, "But of course, that much has changed isn't it?" HD gave a short laugh before becoming serious again. "I heard the problem at home.. You okay with it?" he asked. I lowered my cigarette and stared at him. "Hard to keep secrets from you isn't it?" I asked. I stared at the cars before giving my answer.

"Yeah, its cool. Ain't got the trouble to care about that.."

HD nodded. "Good," he said, "At least this time, i don't have to step in and clear your head." "Yea," I muttered,"I've got other stuff to handle.. what with my exams coming up and I still haven't finished studying through yet." "Hmmph," HD turned and walk away.

"Oh yea," he turned, " You do know it kills, don't ya? You sure you ain't gonna get addicted to it?"

I took a puff before meeting his gaze.

"Just how long have you been knowing me?"

"Just who do you think I am?"

CCW

Of Equatorial and new material

Its a bit late to be posting this but i might as well get on with it.

For the first time since the formation of Seafield's Da BL3EPZ, they have been invited to perform for someone not related to academic. Da BL3EPZ were invited to perform for the alumni dinner of Johnson's and Johnson's ex-employers and employees.

Now, this hip-hop group has been slowing regaining themselves from the disastrous performance they put up for the Leo IU the previous year. Now, with Double A and CCW in college and A.RON in Form Six, they return this year with a determination to erase the errors done previously. Starting an ecstatic performance in Taylor's Acoustic Night and then a rather abysmal performance for Taylor's Leo Installation, this invitation to perform in the Alumni dinner was like a wake up call.

Despite missing Double A, who could not make it, Da BL3EPZ made sure it was a trinity by bringing in another beatboxer/ex-classmate, Ram. A.RON, Ram and CCW. Together, they performed in the dinner themed "Friends for Life" under the name Da BL3EPZ Ext3nded, signifying the new change of the group.

And when i say new material, i really mean new material. The group managed to make a good cover of the Bill Withers song, Lean On Me, with Ram on the beats and CCW and A.RON on vocals. With that, Da BL3EPZ brings in a new style into the way they perform and also a new member as Ram becomes a member of Da BL3EPZ.

What else can Da BL3EPZ offer in times to come? Only time can tell.

HD

The One I Fear And Revere..

Yami.. Subete no iro wa tada kuro to aka... Nanimo henko.. Mainichi wa onaji..

(Darkness.. All the colours were just black and red... Nothing changes.. Everyday was just the same..)

That was what i thought of the world as i fell into the darkness. I was helpless to avoid it. I can't change the mistake i have done.

But you can change it.

I was left stranded and shuddering in the cold. Alone. In the darkness.

You are not alone.

In the mist of the blackness that began to engulf me, i could hear a voice. It must be my imagination.

Accept me. Let me be the one to burden the guilt.

I could hear it again. Who was it? I looked down at my bloodstained hands; the blood was still fresh. It wasn't my blood. Whose was it? I don't recall anything.

Accept me. Accept my existence.

Who is it?

Let me be your chevalier.

The voice is calling to me. But what is it?

I am your wrath, anger and hatred.

Is that all?

I am your negative just as you are my positive. Accept yourself. Accept my existence.

Ah. I remember. I gave away a part of my emotions. The negative side of me. I gave it an existence. An existence by the name of He-

Yes. That is who i am. Now, accept me.

Yes. I will.

Very well. I will be the one to bring you out of the darkness. I will free your soul of guilt. I will be your guilt. I am your blade when you need it. My name is-

I remember it now. He is the one i fear and revere. The ultimately superior form of me. The one who will be the final me standing. The one i created in my wish to be two separate existences. His name is ...

HD.

CCW

Back ...

After a long while, I'm back.

Yes.

My first post after what seems to be a very long period of time. Of course, its not that i do not have the time. Its just that there are other things that i intend to do instead of writing in my blog. I'm finally starting to feel the strain in my A-levels course. Whether or not, i can withstand the pressure, well, I'm still surviving..to say the least.

With Further Mathematics finally in my timetable, my leisure time for Maths just went down the drain. Even Nicholas and Heng Shuh Peih, the two ultimately superior students in my class, are finding it hard to cope. How then, shall i cope?

Yes, i do admit that by saying Further Maths is easy previously, i'm delusioning myself on the prospects of an easy life.

How pathetically wrong i am.

I do not feel the same strain with the other subjects, that i am thankful. That DOES NOT mean that i am taking the other subjects lightly. I am moving forward, yes, but it will take a millenia before i can actually say that the A-level subjects are easy. Hard? no. Complicating? yes.

I still hold on to the statement i made not too long ago that Further Maths is NOT hard. It is complicating and stressful but to use the word "hard" or "difficult" would be too harsh.

But, seriously, college life is taking its toll on me.

Heck, I can't even keep in contact with any of my old friends. The only old friends that i do keep in contact with is Alex and Ramaraj. This clearly shows how college life has made me separated.

But, hell, I got new friends and new adversaries so i guess that's how life goes on. I still have an article which i intend to post here in the near future. But more of that on another time.

I should probably buck up in my college studies.. Maybe its high time i let him run loose, shall I?

What's gone is gone. But what's not found can still be unearth as long as we will it to be.

CCW

It was a blast while it lasted ..

It certainly was a blast as we met up for about one of the last times we could ever meet up in high school .. and yes .. it was fun while it lasted ..

High school ..

The life we enjoyed when we were in Form 1 till Form 5 . The life we came to like as we learned various subjects , further increasing our knowledge .. if only , for the moment .

It was fun while it lasted .

Now, the times have slowly evolved . We adjust ourselves to new surroundings. We adept to our new life . We lose friends and gained new ones in return .

That cycle does not end .

We will forever be changing . We will never stop . While the Earth continues to spin on its axis , we will pursue greater heights , never stopping .. even if we are rotting six feet under .

We will NEVER EVER stop .

That is why we humans are to be differentiated from animals . We understand the truth in words when we see it . And we know what to do ..

Do we?

CCW

Words from the wise ..

If you can see the future , don't ever look back . Cast off your fear . Look forward . Go forward . Never stand still . Retreat and you will age . Hesitate and you will die .

Being Where I Belonged

I sighed as i made my way to the library after the Maths period was over. "Now, to spend the hour doing nothing until the club meeting....Now why don't you come out, HD?" I muttered. He stepped out into the light with a frown on his face. "Funny,"he said,"Didn't know you knew i was there.."I snorted and sighed again.

HD laughed."What's with that stupid face of yours? You look like a dead person."he asked. I looked at him and gazed at the numerous number of people that were coming out of and going into the library. "Have you ever felt that you can't control your life and that something is pulling the strings for you? Sometimes, it pulls you in the correct direction.. Sometimes, it brings you to where you don't feel nice at all." HD looked at me, his brow creasing.

"The same question again?" he asked, "You truly never change,huh? Hmm.. I had my fill of life though yes of course, everybody goes through the "pulling strings" thingy.." We walked down to the cafeteria and grabbed a can of coffee each. "I suspect this has something to do with your parents?"he asked. I snorted. "Cheh, no way i can hide things from you,eh? Well, more or less.. Its just that, my dad's been pestering me to apply for scholarships until today...". It was HD's turn to snort. "And here i was thinking what was the problem.. Hmm, you are who you are. And you do what you do. No change in that. You choose what you wanna do and don't listen to people pestering you. That's how you live in life. You take the bull by the horns and you do it your way. Though, in my case, it goes further,"he added as he gave his wicked smile.

"I kill those who get in my way."

I looked at him and laughed."But of course,"he continued,"that would be unwise and irrational at this situation. All i'm saying is that you gotta just believe in yourself and don't let other people intervene in your course. You might meet obstacles. but you know what to do with the obstacles, do you?" he asked. I nodded.

"Of course. Just who do you think i am?"

HD smiled. "Glad that's sorted out,"he said. He looked at the rainy sky that perfectly suited my emotions at that particular time. "If that is all, i have an appointment to catch.. I'll see you around.. real soon"he said before departing. " Oh and remember one thing,"he said as he left.

"If you know where your heart belongs, then you will know where you actually belong? And I don't give a damn if you get it or not"he smiled and waved goodbye.

I stared at the open sky and the continuously pouring rain. Where I belonged,huh?,I thought. Very well, I have decided. My moves are already played. All that's left is the outcome. And, yes, I don't give a damn if they don't get it.

This is where i belong.

This is where my heart is at rest.

This is where i can truly shine.

And i don't fucking give a damn if you diss the hell out of me.

CCW

Broken Memory

Ten years has gone and passed. That which has happened about a decade ago, still burned freshly in my memories. The scene that remains etched in my mind, even if I were to brainwash myself a thousand times. I still remember that faithful day when a life was ripped away from the surface of the Earth. I remembered the agony that flowed in my veins, the horrible feeling in my gut, the wrenching pain that slowly erupted as I gazed upon the still body of the person that I cared about. My own bloodline, my sister, lay dead on the floor, murdered. At that moment, I could not only feel pain.

I felt anger. Frustration boiling inside of me. I recalled the laughter of the murderer as he looked down on me. I can still smell the scent of her blood from the fatal wound he gave her. I remembered hearing a roar of rage released from my mouth. I remembered nothing else after that. When I came to my senses, it was to find the murderer’s blood on my hands and the murderer lying next to me, lifeless. I remembered the sirens of the police car, recalled the yell of agony that came out of me, noticed that I was being handcuffed and finally came back to my original self in jail. For two days and nights, I wept and screamed in frustration.

That was the ordeal at that time. For two years I was in jail, awaiting the death sentence that I knew was bound to be given out. None came. I was acquitted due to the lack of solid evidence. The murderer was dead. My sister was killed. I survived it. Survivor’s guilt was all I had in me. When I was released, I wasted myself in the pub, drinking and getting drunk. That prolonged for a couple of months. I went into depression. I smoked and took drugs to relieve the pain. Part of me knew that all of this was wrong. That it was a stupid irrational thing to do. I shut myself out of reality and entered my own fantasy. Finally, I did the worst thing a human with a life can do.

I decided to commit suicide.

I was lying in bed for the whole day after recovering from a hangover the previous night when the thought came to me. It was better to end my life, I thought. I have nothing else in this world except her. She was my beloved sister, the one I sworn to protect. Now, she was gone. Taken away from me. I held a knife to my wrist. This was how I was going to end my miserable, pathetic life. The knife was mere millimeters from my wrist when I caught sight of a picture of her. I stopped and gazed at the picture of my sister. Her smiling face with my naturally frowning face beside. The knife fell from my hand as the life flooded back into my eyes. With shaking hands, I removed the picture from the frame. I choked as tears welled in my eyes. With the picture pressed on my chest, I uttered a single word before the tears became too much to bear.

“Zoey…,”

No matter what has happened, I had survived the incident. The picture became my source of inspiration. I picked myself up from the ground. I vowed to live so that I was the proof that she had lived. I started a new leaf. I got a job in a musical instruments shop as a cashier. From then on, I learnt to play the piano. Every piano piece I created was in her memory. Zoey loved to play the piano when she lived. The melody of the piano was a usual in our house. I would be beside her as she played the piano, encouraging her but never to play the piano myself.

The shop owner was aware of my predicament and was kind to me. He allowed me time to practice the piano and even thought me himself. I was lucky though I did not really felt that way. Eventually, I rose out of my shell and began to be my past self before the incident. I regained my friends and lived a normal life. The way everything should be.

Now, ten years has passed. I was my normal self again. However, I still smoked once every now and then to relieve the pain of recalling that incident. I became a piano professional, creating piano plays and my own songs but never making it big. The shop owner who had helped me before was always there to aid me. He was like a father to me. Zoey and I stayed by ourselves after our parents met their end in an accident when we were very young. We still managed somehow, thankfully because we had enough money to support us.

Ten years passed after the incident. I was supposed to be meeting a pianist who wanted to collaborate with me on an album. As I sat in the coffee shop which Zoey and I frequent, I could not help remembering the times we used to eat in the shop. Her radiant face as she laughed at my jokes. Her dimpled cheeks as she smiled. Her eyes which practically shone all the time. I smiled as I went on that nostalgic trip. And then, I saw her.

She was around the same height as Zoey was. Her smile was wide and she had dimpled cheeks. She saw me and sat opposite me. My eyes were wide with shock as I gazed at the person opposite me as though I had seen a ghost. She looked questioningly at my stunned face and laughed.

“ Seen a ghost or something scary? You look funny. You must be Andy Chan. Nice to meet you. My name is Zoey Lim, the pianist who wished to collaborate with you.”

The End.

Update in Life

*Sighs*

Nothing really goes really well in college , eh?

At least , as far as how i see it in Andrew . He is still coping with the workload and the lifestyle of it . Of course , its only March and the pressure may not be as high as it is ..

Still ..

The fact remains ..

He cannot survive it alone .

He may try to hang in there . Doing things alone . Trying to handle the oversized problems that greatly overweighs him .

He will fail .

But of course , it will be a problem if my partner decides to croak . There is much for him .. for us to do . Currently , the only problem i see in college is the homework . Not problems in quantity but he faces a problem in the quality of the work .

College .. is different from school . In school , the examples are clear . The examples can lead you straight to the answer and only deviates a bit . In college , the level is incomparable to the school's homework . They do give you examples , but the examples will never lead you straight on .

Intellect does that .

You would have to think differently . Think outside the box . Think logically with the right amount of common sense .

Which Andrew lacks .

He lacks common sense . His basis of thinking is that of theory . His thoughts fail to redirect themselves if he encounters a problem in which the answer is not as it seems .

But whatever he lacks , i cover .

Thats the reason for my existence .

The only vision in my life . The mission i entrust upon myself .

HD

KL Car VS Singapore Car

Singaporean no match for the rest

The Johor MSA mini , the first of the 4 MSA mini tournaments , ended in a blast on the 22^nd of March . Held a week after the Lim Boon Heng Cup in Singapore , a total number of 12 participants were present for this event . The somewhat diminished number of participants did not prevent the event from being a very exciting one .

In the intermediate category , 4 players from the English College of Johor , famously known for producing skilled Scrabble players such as Ching San Song , Ian Tay and Brian Lim , slugged it out in a 6 match challenge with Benjamin Choo emerging as the champion while Haren Mohanraj was the runner-up . Each of the intermediate players won some cash for their participation in the tournament .

The focus , however , was in the Masters category where 5 Malaysians and 3 Singaporeans battle it out for first place . The Malaysians ; veterans Tan Jin Chor and Jocelyn Lor , recent CNY champ Alex Tan as well as up and coming youth players Ramaraj Sundraraj and Chang Ching Wei were all able players and were a on par with the Singaporeans who came ; Ricky Purnomo , Tony Sim and Shim Yen Nee . All the Malaysians hailed from Kuala Lumpur , making this tourney a KL car vs Singapore car match . This was due to the fact that all the Malaysians went back in the same car while the Singaporeans came and went back in another car . After a grueling 15 games , Ricky Purnomo of Singapore managed to brush aside the other players to win the tournament with an eye-popping 13 wins and +1104 spread . Ricky only dropped two games in the first day , losing to fellow Singaporean Tony Sim and Malaysia’s Chang Ching Wei .

The 15 games were played in two round robins and a KOTH final pair-up . This was a good format as it enabled each player to play with every participant twice , giving them the pleasure of exacting revenge or just to enjoy another game with one another . On the first day , 10 games were played so that the players would be able to return home earlier on the next day . Ricky Purnomo dropped two games on the first day but still ended up on first place after the first day . He was closely followed by Tony Sim and Tan Jin Chor , each on 6 wins . It was a bad day for Chang Ching Wei as he only won two out of the ten games played ( winning against Ricky and Ramaraj ) despite putting up a creditable display in the CNY tournament a mere month ago .

The second day saw mixed fortunes for the players . Ricky Purnomo , still on his excellent form , produced a superb performance to win the last 5 games . Tan Jin Chor , who was just behind Ricky , dropped 3 games but still managed to hold on for second place . It was the battle for third place that was exciting . Tony Sim was clearly on his way to clinch the place as long as he did not lose to Jocelyn by more than 163 points in the last game . Alas , it was an unlucky game as he stumbled to a 188 points lose to Jocelyn , ultimately giving Jocelyn the third place . A post mortem on the game showed that he could have lost by less had he played a lesser point move to go out in two rather than being caught with tiles himself .

Chang Ching Wei , sore from his dismal performance on the first day stringed four wins in a row to pit himself against Alex Tan in the KOTH round . It was as though history repeated itself . Chang Ching Wei opted not to challenge Alex Tan’s move of ABYED [ phoney] but instead challenged ILKA , a valid word , resulting in his lose by six points . Even his 107 point move of VERIFIED did not help to earn his fifth win in a row . On another table , Ramaraj , having lost all his games before the 15^th game , played a niner DISASTER but it was not enough to prevent the disaster of losing to Yen Nee . Other notable plays were ZOOGLEA , DIOCESAN , PYRANOSE , QUASARS , AMEERATES and FORAMINAL .

For his efforts , Ricky Purnomo pocketed RM 300 while Jin Chor and Jocelyn each took home RM200 and RM100 respectively . All in all , a good job by the organizer , Othman Zakaria in making the Johor MSA Mini an exciting tournament . The next tournament in the Malaysian schedule will be the MSA Mini 2 , held in Berjaya Times Square . For further inquiries , you can contact K.Sundraraj at 012-3661555 .

The Result

I trudged to the front , my face impassive as the teacher passed my result slip to me . My heart was beating furiously . There were more than enough butterflies in my stomach to last me for an eternity . Out of the corner of my eye , i glimpsed the many anxious faces , the many happy and sad faces alike . Lastly , i spotted HD outside the hall , giving me the support i need . I looked at my result slip .

BM - A

BI - A+

Sejarah - A+

Mathematics - A+

Moral - A+

Additional Mathematics - A+

Prinsip Perakaunan - A+

Physics - A

Chemistry - A+

Biology - A

EST - A+

My heart skipped a beat . I looked at the results again . A sense of euphoria was erupting in me . I yelled with joy as i clutched the slip to my chest as though it meant the world to me . Friends all around me were congratulating me . Their voices seem a bit distant . Finally , i went outside to where HD was .

He smiled as he looked at the results . " Good job ," he said ," Better than expected , don't you think ? " I could only grin as we shook hands . " This is all thanks to you , man , " I said " I wouldn't have been able to do it if you weren't there . " HD waved the thanks away . " All i did was gave you some suggestions , that's all . It was you yourself who made it happen ," he said . I acknowledged his words as i went back to the hall . " The next one to overcome would be the A-Levels examinations ," I said " You with me? " . HD laughed as he walked away .

" Where else can i obtain as much fun as this ? Count me in . " he said before vanishing into the crowd . I smiled as i walked back into the hall . The world seemed lighter as though the pressure had miraculously disappeared . The results has been obtained . I have done my best . But the work has no end .

There will be others .

But on this faithful day of 11 March 2010 , let's just forgo that work and have fun ..

CCW

The Coming ..

" It's finally here , huh ? " HD said as he walked towards me . I nodded my head in acknowledgement as i stared at the night sky . " It's finally here, " I muttered " The time when the path of my life will be carved in stone , when dreams become reality , where I will be standing in between the forked paths , finally deciding on the path which i would want to take . "

" All of this , on a single paper , " HD smirked , " Three years ago , i would be indifferent to this . Now , i understand the emotion in what you humans know as anxiety . Your hands are shaking , your perspiration gradually increases , the heart beats faster , you wait in anticipation . All of this , for a slip of paper . " I smiled as he delivered that statement . " Obviously , you who never feels anxious , knows nothing about that particular emotion . " I said . HD laughed . " Even so , " his tone picking a more serious tone " What would you do if you did not achieve what you want to achieve ? " I looked sideways at him and was surprised to see a serious face . " Hmph , whatever comes , comes . And i will take whatever is in store for me . " I said .

HD clasped my left shoulder with his hand . " As long as you can handle it , then i have nothing to worry about . Just remember , your suffering is mine too . If you feel that you can't hold it back , you know what to do . " I nodded as he turned to walk away . " Remember, Andrew , " HD turned back as he said " You don't judge a person by the strength he shows , you judge him by the amount of strength in which he can handle . " He walked away and i stared at him until the night darkness totally engulfs him .

I sighed as i continued my empty gaze . Time to set things straight , once .. and for all .

Can i do it ?

Am i ready ?

Do i believe ?

Yes .

CCW

Home

I sat in front of one of the many computers in the library , slowly finishing my assignment and proceeding to finish the rest of my homework . I took a glimpse at my watch on my left wrist . The watch showed 5.00 p.m .

" Another one and a half hours , huh ? " I murmured . My transport is only available at 6.30 so i had almost two hours more before going back . I sighed and continued my work , finishing it within half an hours time . I laid back on the chair and gazed at my surroundings . I see people typing out their assignments in the computers , i see people surfing the net . I see people reading books . At last , my eyes fell on HD who appeared beside me .

" Not going back yet ? " he asked . I shook my head . " Transport's coming in an hour's time , " I said . HD nodded . " Pity about this , huh ? " he said , " I'll be around for awhile . This college intrigues me since its my first time entering the compound . You mind ? " I nodded my head . " The college is yours to view . And in regards to your first sentence , no , it isn't much of a pity , really . "

" I just don't wanna go home so early ."

HD looked at me , a frown on his face . " Problems? " he asked , " Nothing big , i hope ? " . I shook my head . " Nothing much . Its just that i hate going home and having to listen to all the grumbling and mumbling that they dish out . " HD smiled . " It's part of living in this world , ya know ? " He turned serious . " You gotta know that even if you are tolerant enough , other people aren't . " I turned to the computer screen and sighed . " Yea , I know .. "

" You might have given away your anger , your impatience and your sloth . But , remember , other people don't share the same things as you . " HD said , " Bear that in mind . And carry it well . " I nodded . " Thanks ."

HD nodded . " Don't worry too much about it . I'm here to help , as i have always been . If things get too nasty for you , you know what you need to do . " He grinned that trademark wicked grin he has . I laughed briefly , the joy which never reached the cold , calm eyes that i have gotten used to having .

HD started walking away . " You are one of the roots to that tree you strive so hard to keep intact . Don't topple it down now . I still wanna see it . " He walked out of the library , leaving me with much to think about .

CCW

The Bearer of His Nature

Everyone feels pain . Everyone feels guilt . Everyone feels the emotions that GOD has provided us . Happiness , joy , pain , guilt , suffering , avarice , wrath , lust , envy , jealousy , sloth , pride , gluttony , despair , hope , vainglory . So many more . Everyone in this world feels each and every one of them in their veins . In their blood .

Not me .

I chose to omit the several emotions that i have in me . I vowed never to let all the emotions engulf me and make me into a monster . I vowed to bear them all , by sealing a part of them in a being i created . That being will bear my sins . That being will know all my sins . That being will be my sin .

He is the other part of me which few have seen . He is the part that lays within me , that takes the negative forces , leaving me with only the positive . Unless , i chose not to part with the negative force in question . I gave him my anger , my sloth , my gluttony , my envy , my jealousy , my pain , my guilt . Most of all , i gave him my greed . I chose to retain my despair with me . I thought that having despair reminds me that i am still human . That an angry beast can't stay chained forever . I kept my sins in this being i created . Each sin i present to him comes with a cost . Each pain and suffering that he receives results in a repayment in despair .

I kept my pride , knowing that i am no one without it . I kept my happiness , just to go on with the day . I kept my instincts , because there are times when you need them . I kept my hope , because i longed for a change . Finally , i kept my wrath , in order to unleash the deadly sins i kept in my other being .

" I am the pain of his wounds, the stress in his veins, the suffering of his plight,and his rage in his heart"

" I am the shadow that lives in the place of light . I am the light in the darkness . I am the bearer of his deadly nature ."

CCW

ATTENTION!!

SPM RESULTS WILL BE OUT ON THE 16 OF MARCH !!!!!

ARE YOU READY FOR IT ???

I'm Not .. am i ?

CCW

Suspicion .. Or Not ..

I walked out off Summit with Aaron Lui and Aaron Leong after our short reunion ; Aaron Lui had just returned from NS for CNY . I lagged behind , choosing to allow the two friends to talk on their matters while i conversed with Henecran .

That was when a man came up to us .

He was rather old-looking with ugly teeth to match . He was carrying a plastic bag and a drink bought from the supermarket , if memory served me right .

He opened the conversation .

" Do you know the shortest way to the Hilton PJ ? "

I was surprised . You see , we were in Subang jaya and the Hilton PJ was about kilometers away from USJ . " Well , its like way out of this place .. you gotta take a bus to get the-"

" Can i walk there ? What's the shortest way to walk there ? " he interrupted .

Henecran snorted . " He's either stupid or there's something out of place here ." Henecran muttered to me . I was laughing as i replied " Dude , if u reach hilton PJ in 5 hours by walking , i'm saluting you , there's no way u're gonna reach there by walking . This is Subang , man . Your destination's in PJ . Thats far .. get it ? FAR . "

He goes on rambling about how his friend left him here and that he lost his money . At this point , the two Aarons walked away from the man while i was rooted to the spot , noting how idiotic he looked . A few more exchange of words and i gave him 50 cents and he walked off .

Henecran looked back at the man before catching up with me as i walked to the Aarons .

" I don't trust that man , " Henecran muttered . I looked back at the man walking up the road . " Naturally , " i said " Why do u think i hurried the conversation , gave him some petty cash and told him to get going ? it's easier to shake off a person this way .. " Henecran snorted . " I hate this kind off people .. Did u actually believe that shit he was spewing out ? " I looked at Henecran . " You think i'm a fool ? Who do you think i am ? I knew he was an asswiping moron from the start . Only courtesy prevented me from pushing him aside and walking away . " Henecran grinned . " Hmmph . And here i thought you were fooled and i would get the chance to lecture you . Anyway , i would watch your back for awhile if i were you . You never know what to expect after that encounter . " I nodded and caught up with Aaron and headed to the bridge . Henecran stood at the bottom of the bridge , looking out at the road before turning away .

After seeing off the two Aarons , i remained cautious , making sure that the man from before was truly gone before making my way back into Summit . Henecran rejoined me after awhile and muttered " He's gone for good , he has . But all in all , a good experience , don't you think ? Pity it didn't turn violent . " I laughed at his sullen face . " I know your taste for violence but this just isn't the place .. Perhaps , in the future ? " I asked . Henecran grinned that wicked grin he has and continued walking .

" Let us leave that memory behind us and enjoy the last of today . "

CCW

College Life

Its been two months since i've been in college . Been this long since i started , and yet , only now have i decided to post on it . Rather peculiar , don't you think ?

GCE A-Levels is not something one can take lightly . Well , so are the other courses that one can take . However , i'm talking about THE hardest course in Sunway College ; GCE A-Levels . It is the longest , toughest and one of the only courses which focuses solely on your examination progress . Being the guy that loves undertaking challenges that are too much to handle , i decided that this course was to be my destination .

Of course , i'm not the only one .

Weathering the course with me in this college are two of my schoolmates ; Theresa , who is my classmate for two years and Han Jyun , whom i've been acquainted with since Form 4 . Both have set their sights on enduring this one and the half year course .

And i'm thankful that i'm not alone .

When i first stepped into college , i only knew Theresa and she was the only one i could hang out with . Most of the people there came from other states , though i did glimpse upon a few of my friends ; be it from the same school or different schools . I saw Ken Yoong , Khai Tsen , Wei Zhi , Jia Wei , Jia Yi , May Yi , Beng Way , Hazel , Pravin , Kuok Yi and Kuok Wei . I also saw Joy with whom i'm acquainted through my mum's friend , Katina . I didn't see Han Jyun until the second day .

After the orientation , i was put into the classes for A-levels . I was in the same class as Han Jyun while Theresa was a class above mine . Surprisingly , 4/5 of my classes coincide with Theresa's so i still was able to be with the only two friends i knew . Of course , that would change in time as i got to know my classmates .

A-levels had 5 classes ; S1 , S2 , S3 , S4 and A1 . I was in S4 with Han Jyun and we were taking Physics , Chemistry , Maths and Further Maths . Theresa's class on the other hand took the same subjects except Further Maths . Which means their study on Maths would be a tad slower than ours , making them different from us just by Maths .

I wouldn't say anything about the lecturers in detail here . Suffice to say that all the lecturers are professional and capable of teaching . If you wanna know more about the lecturers , you're gonna have to ask me personally .

I'm mostly found with Han Jyun , either in class , CC , library or in the restaurants outside the college . During other times , i would be with Theresa and her newly met friend , a nice girl by the name of Au Zing Wen , hailing from Seremban . I'm now a passive smoker , since mixing with Han Jyun , though i'm not perturbed by it . I've decided that anyone who takes the A-Levels course are to be respected , whether they have a tainted past or not .

In class , it didn't take long to realize that everyone there was a level higher than me or at least on par with me . All were smart . All were brilliant . All were apt in the subjects . NONE were incapable of anything . Nicholas Lai , a Maths genius , could solve questions that the lecturer was facing trouble with . Dinakar , another friend , was observant and could spot implications in the answers though of course , some of the 'spotted' implications were merely confusions that we could not comprehend . This is only two of the roughly twenty students in my class that i mentioned . And a note of reminder . The rest are all on the same level .

Homework are not that plenty , unlike the load of work which i seem to see in Theresa's class . This allowed me to finish my work quickly and do the appropriate revisions . It looks like every subject must not be taken lightly , even if its just Maths . Its just a pain in the ass when it comes to assignments . I mean , i'm definitely not the type of guy who is capable of doing assignments . BUT , i will do my best , because i'm not alone when it comes to these things .

I'm currently in the middle of a Malaysian Studies assignment about the hierarchy of Malaysia's Legal System . In my group are six girls and two boys including me .

1. Chang Ching Wei

2. Ng Han Jyun

3. Theresa

4. Au Zing Wen

5. Fong Meng Yee

6. Vanessa Liew

7. Angel Soh

8. Christine

Don't ask me why there are so many girls , ok ?

Either way , i'm actually enjoying life in college . Life in college is ultimately 10 times better than school life . No one can deny that .

That's my narration on how college is . I'm coping with the pressure , but of course , doubtless the pressure would only continue to increase until i'm finally at my limits .

Or will i reach my limits ? Will two be enough to comprehend the strength of this course ?

CCW

The Biggest Chance That Slipped Away ..

This post is evidently a few weeks late .. I just couldn't find the time to sit down and think things through on how to fit my two tournaments in one post .. ah well .. here it is ..

To start off , i apologize for the lack of ( or rather none ) photos in this post .. i'm the kinda guy who prefers reading than to the customary load of photos that keep getting in the way during my narration .. perhaps in the next few tournaments , i will get pictures of interesting games and post it in ..

Now , the first tournament of the year in which i had participated was the MSA CNY Scrabble Challenge 2010 . Fresh from SPM and just started college , this was my first major tournament since May 2009 . You could call this the re-debut of myself and Ramaraj as we aim to end this tournament on a high . My aim was to reach the top 10 Malaysian rankings ( was 20th that time ) and try to get money for Bangkok . ON WITH THE GAMES !!

Game 1

Aaron Chong - L - 362-565

Aaron started off with the bingo OVARIAl for 76 points and piled pressure on me with SEMITONE ( 95 ) , TENTWISE ( 86 ) and VERMIL ( 51 ) . Despite my GLEAMEd ( 71 ) and EGOTIZES ( 88 ) , i couldn't match his tempo and lost terribly . A very demoralising game , given that it was my first tournament game in about 6 months . However , this game showed me that i still had a long time before i could maintain my tempo in scoring .

Game 2

Hema - W - 403-340

I had been taught to be wary even if this was an unknown player . Missing ADOPTER and READOPT in my first move , i immediately find myself in a tight situation with near bingo-racks like AEIRTUW , EIKNRTU . Thankfully , i was able to score and an endgame HEALINGS ( 78 ) won me the game .

Game 3

Marcus Loke -W- 517-387

The previous win gave me the spirit i need to start my flow . Facing with a representative of Malaysia's 2008 and 2009 World Youth Scrabble Championship team , i was yet again very cautious . Eventually , my HAZED ( 40 ) , DESIRING ( 83 ) , LIENABLE ( 87 ) , FAMILY ( 51 ) and RERaNKs [ phoney XD ] ( 74 ) was enough to completely overcome his WILDEST ( 81 ) , UNGLOVED ( 42 ) and HEINOUS ( 77 ) .

Game 4

Alex Tan -W- 421-313

Unfortunately for him , he had no bingos . Fortunately for me , i had HORNINGS ( 89 ) and FERRINGS ( 86 ) . Fortunately for him , the two blanks didn't hit him very hard . Unfortunately for me , the two blanks came too late for me to bingo again . This was one of those meetings against him in which i had most of the good tiles and was able to beat him evenly .

Game 5

Tengku Asri -W- 495-445

A very close game . His three bingo spree of OUTsAIL ( 60 ) , ARISTAE ( 64 ) and REVENGES ( 70 ) along with a phoney which i overlooked ZEBEK ( 60 ) [ the real one was ZEBECK , XEBEC or ZEBEC ] was very pressuring , though my 4 bingo spree of NESTLED ( 73 ) , OUTLiVE ( 74 ) , NEUTRINO ( 62 ) and FERNIEST ( 72 ) managed to even up . At the end game , he played a phoney AGAPI [ real word AGAPAI and AGAPE ] allowing me to challenge it off and played my last three moves of an average 30 points each to wrap up the game .

Game 6

Henry Yeo Kien Hung -L- 416-369

I had never won him before and yet again lost to his superior playing and word knowledge . His RIMeSTER ( 80 ) and REALGARs ( 80 ) as well as the hooking of the previous bingo , TRIMeSTER gave him the win easily . I couldn't even lay a bingo despite my very constant scoring of an average 35 per move at the start . I needed more training to beat this Scrabble Master currently holding the title " CARDBOX SIFU " . XD

Game 7

Ramaraj Sundraraj -L- 433-460

The one person who had taught me the game and who has given me sound advice throughout the years . His word phoney CHAUF led him to IoDIZES ( 95 ) and he wrapped up the game with LEADERS ( 85 ) and AX ( 61 ) while my consolation of ANESTRI ( 83 ) only reduced my losing spread .

Game 8

Pui Cheng Wui -W- 453-284

A shocking win . I think Pui's tiles were very bad that he couldn't even reach 300 . My ROTTiNG ( 69 ) and SHEAThe ( 86 ) was enough to give me a win . This game was merely straightforward and that constant scoring is enough to win certain games .

Game 9

William Kang -W- 460-444

A near perfect game . My EMANATED ( 72 ) and OUTDANCE ( 77 ) coupling with SPOOF ( 42 ) , DOGGY ( 42 ) and JAR ( 53 ) won against his QAID ( 48 ) , OUTLANDS ( 63 ) , VARIX ( 46 ) , POLIEST [ PHONEY !! ] ( 91 ) and TESTIER ( 72 ) . He had nice tiles but my tiles were just a tad nicer . Though , of course , if i had challenged his phoney ( real word was PISTOLE and PIOLETS ) , it would have been an easy win for me .

Game 10

Aaron Chong -W- 460-428

Finally , i beat him though only by 32 points . By this time , my luck was slowly increasing to the point that i was starting to be very constant in my scoring . My WALiEST ( 78 ) , RETAINED ( 68 ) and SEILInG ( 73 ) was enough to beat his beautiful KASHERING ( 109 ) and IDEATING ( 83 ) .

Game 11

Ramaraj Sundraraj -W- 512-388

To those who do not know the format , starting from Game 10 , its King Of the Hill with repeats . Being at the top of the table now , i had to continue my winning streak to clinch podium finish . My BANjOES ( 74 ) , STORING ( 74 ) , RETAILS ( 70 ) and VARIETAL ( 92 ) was enough to brush aside his IODUREt ( 68 ) and PLATERS ( 78 ) giving me my second win against him in all tournaments , having played him about 8 times .

Game 12

Alex Tan -W- 477-384

Hellbent on continuing my winning streak , i changed off a first rack of heavy tiles to bingo GARMENTs , DEBTORS ( 74 ) , RAtIONED ( 77 ) and AUNTIES ( 68 ) along with a cheapo BLYPE ( 52 ) to his ROUTHIER ( 87 ) and CLIMAX ( 45 ) , effectively giving me a fifth straight win and my second 4 bingo game in a row . After the match , i was to play Aaron and was still top of the field . At my brother's category , he had to win his last 4 games to clinch 1st place and he had already won 2 of it . On the other hand , i had to win 2 out of my last 3 games to ensure podium finish .

Game 13

Aaron Chong -W- 447-398

My sixth win a row , giving me a new record for the longest winning streak in my career . His YARROWS ( 52 ) and PIANISTE ( 74 ) was not enough to match my SKITtLE ( 76 ) and TrIGONAL ( 79 ) . This made me even the score against him to 2-2 ; he had beaten me two years ago in the same tournament . The current standings after this game was ,

1. Chang Ching Wei

2. Alex Tan ( beaten Ram with a superb MEATLOAF bingo )

3. Aaron Chong

4. William Kang

I had to slug it out with Alex twice as i was a game ahead of the field . Should i win one of my last two games with Alex , i would have clinched my first ever Master's title .

Game 14

Alex Tan -L- 364-497

It was evident that the strain was too much for me to bear . My first turn OTARINE [ how cheap of me ] ( 66 ) and REKINDLE ( 84 ) was nowhere near his SLIDERS ( 72 ) and VISITEEs ( 149 ) . Perhaps the game would have changed if i did not play the phoney INIUM , leading him to place his niner , VISITEEs wrapping the game up . With IIMNTUU , my safest bet was to play TUI or change . However , lack of thinking made me play risky moves , resulting in my lose . It became evident after that game that i had to win the final game against Alex or risk dropping to third . William was to play Aaron again after beating him .

Game 15

Alex Tan -L- 356-384

Certainly not my game . Both of us had one bingo ; he had FLAUNTS ( 72 ) while i had BAGuIOS ( 91 ) . Half way through i played the phoney IMPY , costing me the game ( real word IMPI ) . If i had thought longer i would have seen IVY , a highly effective move just 2 spots away , depriving him a spot to play his Z , and preventing his FlAUNTS bingo . Unfortunately , i was already at the brink of exhaustion and played with a hasty feature that was to be my unbecoming . At the end , despite thinking for over 10 minutes , i could not find a move to turn the game to my favour and i lost to the ultimately better player .

Thus , the golden chance of clinching first place slipped away . Perhaps , to quote Alex in a certain way , I had used up all my luck in the previous games . In fact , to quote Newton's Third Law , " For every action , there is an equal and opposite reaction . " Having beaten Alex twice before the final two games , it was finally my turn to be beaten . I got third place with Alex as the champion and William clinching second after beating Aaron again .

1. Alex Tan

2. William Kang

3. Chang Ching Wei - 10 wins - average score of 435-409 , 34 bingos and 21/30 blanks .

The following week was the ASTAR Scrabble Tournament organised by UNIVERSITY OF MALAYA . Another tournament in which i was one game above the rest and finally succumbing to painful defeats to end up in 10th place .

Game 1

Muhammad Amin Omar -W- 559-204

In the first round the top players were handed new players and despite my massive score , it wasn't even comparable to Ramaraj who completely obliterated his opponent with a gargantuan score of 839 .

Game 2

Cedric Stewart Lewis -W- 440-433

Game 3

Albert Martono -W- 504-301

Game 4

Chaiwat Wuthinitikor -W- 513-320

In this game , i had a nine letter REVEALING which i later extended to REVEALINGS making it my second nine letter word played in all tournaments ; the first was COWARDIcE against Iyer in Malacca .

Game 5

Thacha Koowirat -W- 570-313

Game 6

Ramaraj -L- 395-468

Why must it always be him to end my spree ??

Game 7

Toh Wei Bin -L- 387-463

Couldn't play properly in this game . Was starting to feel the coldness that had taken its toll on the other players before Game 5 . He was the eventual champion so i was grateful to at least play him once .

Game 8

Christien -W- 485-343

Game 9

Chaiwat Wuthinitikor -L- 331-507

Note to myself : Destroy Newton's Third Law once i'm done with Physics .

Game 10

Thacha Koowirat -L- 319-541

Additional note - COMPLETELY obliterate Newton's Third Law AFTER THE TOURNAMENT .

he had a nice word of cOWBAnE though .

Game 11

Christien -W- 499-334

Game 12

Cedric Stewart Lewis -L- 405-422

I think Newton's laughing at me in his grave . XD

In the end , i'm at least grateful that i won RM160 for 10th place . My next tournament might be Johor MSA mini . Let's hope i can go ..

After the rating changes , i am currently the 11th Malaysian . However , it would soon change as Beng Way makes his comeback to the scene , making me go to 12 th place .. However , there is still the whole year in front of me , let's make it happen ..

CCW

Life's Brief Candle

To-morrow , and to-morrow , and to-morrow ,

Creeps in this petty pace from day to day ,

To the last syllable of recorded time ,

And all our yesterdays have lighted fools ,

The way to dusty death out! out! brief candle!

Life's but a walking shadow , a poor player ,

That struts and frets his hour upon the stage ,

And then it is heard no more , It is a tale ,

Told by an idiot , full of sound and fury ,

Signifying nothing .

The poem in which William Shakespeare wrote about Macbeth , telling the world that life is but so meaningless . So empty . Not worth the effort we place .

Is it really that way ?

Do we treat life like it is nothing to us ? Do we take for granted the gift given to us by God ? Do we take it lightly ?

No.

We respect the living . We revere the dead . We understand the living . We know the dead . We want to live . And we do not want to die .

In this poem , life is like a candle . As easy as it is to be lighted , it is easy to be extinguished . As brief as it is , it is able to supply us light . As brief as our life might be , life SHOULD NOT be regarded as a candle . Why ? Because life is like a book . When life starts , the prologue starts . When death approaches , the epilogue emerges . And when we are finally dead , we are remembered , for good or for evil . Isn't that a book ? Once we have read the contents , we remember . We recall . Unlike a candle , in which once we use it , it is forgotten , a book is never truly forgotten . True , we do not recall the whole plot , but we do manage to conjure a image which somewhat allows us to reminisce upon the story which we read . That is life .

And that is why , as brief as life is , it is a book . Never a candle .

HD