"Puchong," I replied shortly, "Lunch with my friends."
"Next time, you have to tell your parents where you are going. Show some respect to us."
I paused in the process of putting a spoonful of rice into my mouth. I immediately recall the day before when I was telling her that I would not be eating lunch at home due to me going out. I recall the years before when I had shown every single ounce of respect to her.
Show some respect, you say?
Funny how a pre-informed outing can turn into something so disrespectful. Sure, she can put the reason on being busy and therefore not remembering such a detail. However, that would go against her very own principle of being alert to everything.
I fail to understand the three words that just came out of her mouth. Words that came out so easily as though for all my life, I have been a disrespectful bastard.
I have not, I admit, been the perfect son. In fact, there would be no such meaning in being a perfect son. I have, however, heeded every single order she gave. When she told me not to go out, I would obey. When she told me no overnight stays, I obeyed here. Whenever an order was given to me, I followed them like a dog.
You call that being disrespectful?
True, there are times when I would forget to take back the laundry when evening turns to night. There are times when I forget to eat fruits after lunch. There are times when I forget to sweep the floor.
A simple "Go and do it lah.." would be better than "You damn bloody shit, useless piece of shit."
What do I do then?
I just kept patient. Gifted with a high level of tolerance which none of my family members have, I kept everything inside, once in a while, letting it out in silence. Sometimes, tears would fall. Sometimes, blood would spill. Sometimes, the agony is so much I would feel my heart burn.
I kept everything in. I never fought back. Even when the whole world was opposing me.
I do not need anybody to feel the same way as I do.
I do not need anybody to comfort me for what I am about to do.
All I need is a place where I can just let go.
And hope that I can forget the painful memories that are in my head.
CCW
1 comment:
It hurts so much when someone you love does not pay attention to your feelings. Sadly, many a culture has been overwhelmed with rules of duty, such that empathic warmth gets forgotten. Trust that there are warm people out there with whom that full loving human connection is possible.
But don't take too seriously the words of those who don't have that basis, even if they are family or very close to you. When you expect them to have that level of heart, you will become clogged up by repeated disappointment. Rather, appreciate the good in them and don't invest your heart-needs in them.
If you are that warm, kind person you'll be amazed at the genuine good-hearted people who somehow become part of your life. Over time... so don't rush it if it doesn't happen on your timetable.
You wouldn't worry too much in Scrabble if you picked QUUUVWW at the start... you know how well that game can still turn out...
Post a Comment