What Word?

I am currently in a dilemma.

I find myself in need of a word. A word to describe how I feel right now. Despite the fact that my results are to be known in less than 12 hours, 'nervous' is not the only feeling I have right now. I am also torn between rage, irritation, despair and extreme pain.

I have known this person for a very long time.

Longer, in fact, than I would ever dream of. You could say that this person has been such a major influence to my life that I would not be who I am if it were not for this person.

For a long time, I had placed my trust on this person. I had live and grew up with respect to this person. Everything that person says, I take as advice. Everything that person does, I take as an example. Until a few years ago. I realized that our thoughts were different. I could not follow that person anymore. And yet, by contract, I was 'bounded' to this person. Like a dog to a leash. I could only whine helplessly for escape. However, I did have my say in several things. But every time I had my say, there was that uneasy look on the face of that person. A look that suggests that I had to do it using that person's method.

I thought I could withstand that.

I thought I could just be patient and await the day my contract ended.

But, the torment starts to become unbearingly painful. Every minor mistake, every misstep, I was awarded with knives to my heart. Every minute of life near that person was like bathing in the flames of Hell.

I cannot say I am sick of it. There was no way I could get through everyday if I kept being sick about it. I did one of the most cowardly thing one could do.

I took everything in.

I accepted every barrage of insults that ensued.
I forgave the person and instead piled all the blame on myself.

I convinced myself that everything that happened was entirely my fault.

I thought I could survive with that mentality.

Funny how it took just one whole statement to ruin the barrier that I created.

What would you do if someone regretted your existence?

What would you do if someone regretted the existence of someone who is in a blood relation with you?

How would you feel?

What would you do if someone told you that you are destined to fail in everything you do?

What would you do if every part of yourself were condemned?

How would you feel?

I thought I could use the anger as a catalyst for fueling my own strength. It was not to be. Even the evil side of myself could not withstand the brunt of these attacks. I began to thirst for blood. It took all my self-control to restrain myself from exploding. I imploded, crying silently in the dark.

So what is the word to describe how I feel right now?

Is it frustration? Is it indignation? Is it resignation to life as it is?

I do not know.

And I need an answer fast.

I'm losing my grip...

CCW