"8.00pm, huh?"I muttered to myself. Looking at the streets, I chanced a walk in the night, to help ease my mind. As I trudged along, I looked at the nostalgic roads, reminiscing on how I used to be one of those who lived hear.
"Remaining in the past will not get you anywhere, my friend,"A voice spoke to me in the darkness. Without looking around, I knew HD was alongside me, in the darkness of the streets. "I do not remain in the past..I just, had an attachment for this place..You see this street?" I pointed at the road in between 2/5E and 2/5D. "Ah, yes..tragedy befell here and you still had the heart to return to such a morbid place. You are a strange one..you intentionally wallow yourself in this pain and for what gain?"HD asked.
"Strength. I was ever the strange one. I revel in pain, enjoyed sorrow and accepted agony. I do not mean that I am a sadist or a masochist. I do this to remind myself of how weak I was, and how weak I am. How useless I was..how hopeless I am."
"It is not about the defects of yourself, but how you intend to make those defects become your strength. You have gained friends, few, I admit, but enough to get you through. You have seen despair, you have known pain, you have met anger. Make them your strength. Make them work for you when you need them to. It is the reason why I am here, is it not?"
I sighed as I acknowledged his words. The worst has yet to come, I thought. "Thanks, my friend. The walk has been inspiring. Now, I need to get going. Its almost time to pick up a few friends and find that 'mamak' which i know not of the whereabouts."
HD gave a short laugh. " There will be despair now, and despair in the future..but never lose sight of what you were aiming for. Leave the place spiritually but not physically. Let go of the ones you hold but only momentarily. For once you are gone, there is always a way back. There is no end to the road you choose. One way or another, you will return."
As I started my car, I recalled words from a certain book I read. 'I do not own the world, I merely follow the rules of the world'. I knew those words will come back to be a guide in my life. I just did not know of the tragedy that will happen in the coming days...
* * * * * * * * * *
I sat at the table beside the window of the new coffee shop that opened in the hospital which my father was going for his radiotherapy. My heart was gently swaying with delight and despair both mixed together rather evenly. As i sipped on my coffee, he came.
"Congrats, i suppose.."HD said as he sat on the chair opposite me "All the work paid off in the end, am I right?" I took a while to respond to that. Truthfully speaking, I was not entirely pleased with my results of 2A*'s and 2A's.
"I could have done better," I said "I have friends who did better than me..friends who I could hold my own against.."
"There are times where people fall..and times where people rise. Not everyone may rise to one specific occasion. The only thing you can do is to go forward and get on with the next step. I feel that your results are okay. I, too, might have your feelings if I had to go through this.
But therein lies the difference.
I did not take the exam. I know the questions but not your emotions as you weathered through them. I cannot say for sure, that your best was really your best. I cannot say for sure that there was more to what you have gained. I can only say this.
You have done what you can. That's all there is to it. If you have time to be worrying about the past,you have time to care about the future."
As usual, HD's words were the truth. Wallowing in the depths of despair of what you could have got was not what I should be doing. Moving forward.. now that's the better option.
HD looked at me for a moment before getting up. "I better get going. There are things I have to attend to. Your father is calling for you. Now, enjoy your day."
As HD left and I went to get my father, I recalled another quote; 'What does not kill you only makes you stronger'. A-Levels did not kill me. If I could get through this, I can and will get through whatever comes in my way.
Or so i thought.
* * * * * * * * * *
Waking up from my sleep on a Saturday morning at 10.30am, after staying awake until 3.00am, I opened my Facebook account to see a message from two of my friends. I could only comprehend one word.
Rejected.
I opened my Gmail account and the email was there. As i stared at the monitor for a whole minute, reading the email, it was as though my heart stopped. And then, I did something unexpected.
I laughed.
It wasn't a laugh of happiness. It was not a laugh of lunacy. It was just unexpected laughter. 'Your application was unsuccessful'. I stared at that line for a moment and reality crashed in.
"Shit," was all I said. It took a while for me to get through the pain of missing out on one of the most prestigious universities in the world. But, as I closed the chapter of that day, I recalled yet another quote..'This is the ups and downs of life.Get used to it'..
Ah, the bliss of despair..As it welled inside me, the other me which I kept shackled howled sadly in the night.
For all the pain, there is much to gain,
For all the suffering, there is much to obtain,
For all the memories, there is much to see,
For all the moments, this is what you can be.
CCW
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