Mixed Emotions

It is said that humans have so many emotions that they do not even realize what they are actually feeling at any period of time. It is said that within anger, there is despair. Within hurt, there is befuddlement. Within chaos, there is peace.

What am I feeling now?

The empty darkness that slowly drains me?

The cloudy confusion that veils my understanding?

The dripping despair of the rain?

Or the unbearable swirl of rage in me?

How am I feeling now?

What am I supposed to feel?

You see, I am lost about how I am supposed to feel when someone drags you right down to the earth. Drag might be a bit inappropriate. Should I say beaten to the ground?

No.

There is not a word to describe the insults that were directed to me at the time when I do not want it. At the time when I am most susceptible to snap under the burden.

No one likes to be insulted right smack in the face..Maybe some people can live with that. But no one can possibly feel nothing from being insulted right down to the very core of your being. Even an entity that I create to ignore such remarks would not have withstand such a barrage.

I might be a bit more sensitive than I would like to be. I might overthink this. However, the main problem here is that I have no idea how should I feel in this moment.

This is not a normal insult session anymore. This is going beyond the realms of insults. It feels as though I've been stabbed over and over again with a knife so blunt that a huge amount of force is needed so that it can stab me. Hell, being literally stabbed would have been less painful.

How would you feel if you are being so lowly thought of that you are actually being regretted upon existing? How would you feel when the pillar that you thought would support you, crumbles without you even hitting it? What would you do if you were branded a failure in life, that you cannot move forward? How would you feel being overgeneralized?

I do not know.

I would not be asking if I had known.

It is not despair. It is not something I can use as my strength. It is not anger. It is not something I can hold in. It is not emptiness. It is not something that leaves a hole in heart.

This mixed emotions is a mystery to me.

I will find out what it is.

Soon.

Hopefully.

If I continue living.

CCW