Black Sheep

Thats probably what's happening inside of me right now. The cold feeling of indifference. The hot feeling of rage that I've been trying to keep myself from having. Two forces forcing itself to fight inside of me. A seemingly heated, yet cold argument happening within me, trying to reach a conclusion.

What conclusion?

What am I trying to reach?

A solution to a problem that I myself know there would be no solution as long as I'm alive?

A solution to a problem that would never end as long as someone else is alive?

No.

That's not what I'm trying to find.

All I want to find is justification.

I want to justify that what I have done, what I will be doing..and what I am doing are preparations for my future. I want to justify that for the things I have done, I have done ultimately the best I can. Whatever order that was given, I had executed them to how I see fit.

No.

It was not how I see fit.

It was to how YOU saw fit.

I did exactly what I was told. Done what I've been ordered to do. Accomplished everything..never even once objecting.

NEVER even once declining an order, if it can even be declined at all.

And what do I get in return?

WHAT do I get in return?

Pain.

The building up of rage inside of me that I have to control so much and then expel it through unthinkable means.

That's what I get in return.

To a certain extent, I would agree that some of the pain you inflict may be beneficial for me in life. Maybe the insults you throw at me for the 4 hours that you actually see me are worth it. Maybe that would make you feel better.

I do nothing..nothing..but accept them.

I've learned ever since I turned 13, that there was no point in doing anything. Nothing seemed to work. Nothing.

I do not have the guts like my brother to turn on you.
I do not have the rage like my father to defy you.

I do not have the venom like my mother to confront you.

I'm the black sheep of the family.

I stand out..or should i say..I want to stand out.

I am uncomfortable with any of the guts, rage or venom from any of the above.

I prefer peace, which is why you don't get any, when you're me.

I'm just throwing out my anger here. Spilling my boiling blood over the computer because that's one of the only ways that I can actually catalyze my anger out of my system. I can never complain out loud. I could..but I wouldn't.

There's no point changing the unchangeable.

That much I've accepted.

"This is the hell which you are trying to cope with. A hell that would prepare you for the next hell"-HD

CCW