I am not a person who is easily provoked. I am not a person who is easily brought to the point of snapping. Unlike the rest of my family members, I have the ability or trait to be very patient, even when heaps of insults are thrown at me. I have never snapped in front of anyone. At least, not for the time being. Every insult that was thrown at me was bearable. Even those that came out from the mouth of my enemies. I remained patient, taking it in, hopefully learning from those insults.
But.
All those times have their limits. Maybe I won’t snap now. Maybe not in the near future. I’m only 19. Who’s to say that I won’t snap when I turn 25? Who is to say that I won’t inherit the god-awful rage that my parents have? I am, essentially, only human. Humans are unpredictable. At times, it may seem that doing wrong may be the best thing to do. At times, it may seem as though you are in the wrong when others may see differently. At times, rage may be the best medicine, not laughter.
When will that time come?
I do not wish for rage to consume me. I do not wish to succumb to it and become a mindless savage whose only aim is to smash and scream and nothing in particular. I hate that. However, there are times when rage is absolute. There will be times when patience will not be a virtue and rage would ultimately be the solution.
I do not want that ending to happen. Not now. Not ever.
Are you sure about that?
Even as I convince myself that I can control myself, the other half of me chuckles snidely.
Are you sure you can continue taking such insults? I am the voice in your heart. I know your emotions. You may not show it but in your heart, everything is shown clearly. The crimson colour of fire. The sign of rage. You have it in your heart. Why not release it?
No. I will not express my anger on the exterior. Doing so during such a period of time would serve no purpose.
Then, what about in the years to come? Will you use the same reason you are using now? Patience and the desire to not disturb the peace in your life will only bring you more pain. You do not want to make a stand. You are done making your point? Bullshit.
You might be right. I may be a coward. I may give the same reason in the next 5 years. I will keep my wrath at bay. I do not plan on using it, nor do I plan to show it.
Right. So I guess your wrath is not fit for someone who is regretting you ever existed? Is your rage not fit for someone who insults not your actions, but your very self? Is it okay for someone who is seems to teach you a lesson in life but is in fact insulting you at the very core?
Enough. I do not wish to have this talk. For that somebody who thinks like that, there is no point in trying to make my point. There is no point in wasting my energy for something so trivial.
Trivial, you say? You might be okay with it. But you are outnumbered two to one. I am not okay with that. Neither is HD. You may think that such insults will not affect you. Think again. There is a reason why you created HD. There is a reason why you created a being that has no heart of his own. A being whose reasoning is based on the reasoning of reality itself. The fire will never stop burning, Andrew. As long as, your unsettling emotion lingers in your heart, the flame will keep going. Even if you can hide it, you know it is there. You know that we are always waiting for the chance to emerge.
Maybe it will not happen now. Maybe not in the near future. But someday, rage will beat me. One day, I will succumb to madness that is in my blood. But, for now, I shall leave it as it is. I am still in control. The blade has not struck. The blood bath has not commenced.
For now, there is peace.
CCW
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