In The Eyes Of The Suffering One

"Where did you go today?" she asked me.

"Puchong," I replied shortly, "Lunch with my friends."

"Next time, you have to tell your parents where you are going. Show some respect to us."

I paused in the process of putting a spoonful of rice into my mouth. I immediately recall the day before when I was telling her that I would not be eating lunch at home due to me going out. I recall the years before when I had shown every single ounce of respect to her.

Show some respect, you say?

Funny how a pre-informed outing can turn into something so disrespectful. Sure, she can put the reason on being busy and therefore not remembering such a detail. However, that would go against her very own principle of being alert to everything.

I fail to understand the three words that just came out of her mouth. Words that came out so easily as though for all my life, I have been a disrespectful bastard.

I have not, I admit, been the perfect son. In fact, there would be no such meaning in being a perfect son. I have, however, heeded every single order she gave. When she told me not to go out, I would obey. When she told me no overnight stays, I obeyed here. Whenever an order was given to me, I followed them like a dog.

You call that being disrespectful?

True, there are times when I would forget to take back the laundry when evening turns to night. There are times when I forget to eat fruits after lunch. There are times when I forget to sweep the floor.

A simple "Go and do it lah.." would be better than "You damn bloody shit, useless piece of shit."

What do I do then?

I just kept patient. Gifted with a high level of tolerance which none of my family members have, I kept everything inside, once in a while, letting it out in silence. Sometimes, tears would fall. Sometimes, blood would spill. Sometimes, the agony is so much I would feel my heart burn.

I kept everything in. I never fought back. Even when the whole world was opposing me.

I do not need anybody to feel the same way as I do.

I do not need anybody to comfort me for what I am about to do.

All I need is a place where I can just let go.

And hope that I can forget the painful memories that are in my head.

CCW

Its Not Anger...Its Pure Burning Wrath

I stood there. In the middle of the bridge. On my right, the glorious flames that lick the skies. On my left, the prideful stone-cold rocks that threatens confinement. I cast a sad eye at my surroundings. These are my only two options. I gaze at the sky. Dark clouds gather in the middle where I was standing. The winds crying for release. The bulky weight of the rain as the clouds groan to sustain them.

I gripped the railings of the bridge tightly. I gnashed my teeth in restraint. I shook, trying to contain everything inside. I lose the will to stand. As I fell on my knees, a tear dropped. As though it was waiting for its cue, the clouds released the rain they have been storing. The winds blow a mourning wail. Tears stream freely as I screamed at the top of my lungs. The world was rend apart. The flames blaze on and on. The rocks stood sturdy as ever.

A moment's reprieve.

And then, everything disappears.

The flames shut down. The rocks destroyed. The bridge collapsed. The only sound I could hear was the roar of pure burning wrath from my very mouth. Darkness slowly engulfs me. Black fire surrounds me. I do not feel pain from the hot flames. I do not fear the blackening vision. I could only roar out in the pain in my heart. The pain which tore my heart into a million pieces. The pain which snapped a chord in my brain. The pain which took me to insanity and back to reality.

I adjusted my vision in the blackening chasm. As my sight became accustomed to the darkness, I could make out a large rock that stood in my way. I could hear the screams of terror from the rock. I could taste their fears. I could sense their loosening grip on sanity. The edges of my mouth curved upwards. I clenched my fists and with the strength I had, pounded the rock again and again. Blood dripped from my fists as I continued to smash the rock, punctuating each punch with a roar.

The rock, although quite large, broke after my relentless pounding. As the rock shattered, pieces dropping onto the unseen ground, I let out a scream. I slammed my fists on the blood-soaked ground, screaming and yelling, not in pain but in despair.

Silence in the dark. The only sound I could hear was the dripping of the blood from my hands. I lay down on the ground and gazed at the sky. The rain stopped as I brought down the large rock. Still, the clouds cover the bright light of the sun.

I do not need the sun.

I do not need the hope that people tend to rely on.

I just need the despair.

I just need the pure burning wrath that is who I am.

I just need.... nothing more than that.

CCW

Despair - Make It Your Life Force

I arrived at the USJ 2 housing area an hour early before the meet up time with my old school friends. Friends that I still remain in contact with. I parked my car at the bus stop just outside my old school. With a sigh, I got down and looked at the surroundings, shrouded by the darkness of night, chilled by the cold wind of the evening. I glanced at the time on my handphone.

"8.00pm, huh?"I muttered to myself. Looking at the streets, I chanced a walk in the night, to help ease my mind. As I trudged along, I looked at the nostalgic roads, reminiscing on how I used to be one of those who lived hear.

"Remaining in the past will not get you anywhere, my friend,"A voice spoke to me in the darkness. Without looking around, I knew HD was alongside me, in the darkness of the streets. "I do not remain in the past..I just, had an attachment for this place..You see this street?" I pointed at the road in between 2/5E and 2/5D. "Ah, yes..tragedy befell here and you still had the heart to return to such a morbid place. You are a strange one..you intentionally wallow yourself in this pain and for what gain?"HD asked.

"Strength. I was ever the strange one. I revel in pain, enjoyed sorrow and accepted agony. I do not mean that I am a sadist or a masochist. I do this to remind myself of how weak I was, and how weak I am. How useless I was..how hopeless I am."

"It is not about the defects of yourself, but how you intend to make those defects become your strength. You have gained friends, few, I admit, but enough to get you through. You have seen despair, you have known pain, you have met anger. Make them your strength. Make them work for you when you need them to. It is the reason why I am here, is it not?"

I sighed as I acknowledged his words. The worst has yet to come, I thought. "Thanks, my friend. The walk has been inspiring. Now, I need to get going. Its almost time to pick up a few friends and find that 'mamak' which i know not of the whereabouts."

HD gave a short laugh. " There will be despair now, and despair in the future..but never lose sight of what you were aiming for. Leave the place spiritually but not physically. Let go of the ones you hold but only momentarily. For once you are gone, there is always a way back. There is no end to the road you choose. One way or another, you will return."

As I started my car, I recalled words from a certain book I read. 'I do not own the world, I merely follow the rules of the world'. I knew those words will come back to be a guide in my life. I just did not know of the tragedy that will happen in the coming days...

* * * * * * * * * *

I sat at the table beside the window of the new coffee shop that opened in the hospital which my father was going for his radiotherapy. My heart was gently swaying with delight and despair both mixed together rather evenly. As i sipped on my coffee, he came.

"Congrats, i suppose.."HD said as he sat on the chair opposite me "All the work paid off in the end, am I right?" I took a while to respond to that. Truthfully speaking, I was not entirely pleased with my results of 2A*'s and 2A's.

"I could have done better," I said "I have friends who did better than me..friends who I could hold my own against.."

"There are times where people fall..and times where people rise. Not everyone may rise to one specific occasion. The only thing you can do is to go forward and get on with the next step. I feel that your results are okay. I, too, might have your feelings if I had to go through this.

But therein lies the difference.

I did not take the exam. I know the questions but not your emotions as you weathered through them. I cannot say for sure, that your best was really your best. I cannot say for sure that there was more to what you have gained. I can only say this.

You have done what you can. That's all there is to it. If you have time to be worrying about the past,you have time to care about the future."

As usual, HD's words were the truth. Wallowing in the depths of despair of what you could have got was not what I should be doing. Moving forward.. now that's the better option.

HD looked at me for a moment before getting up. "I better get going. There are things I have to attend to. Your father is calling for you. Now, enjoy your day."

As HD left and I went to get my father, I recalled another quote; 'What does not kill you only makes you stronger'. A-Levels did not kill me. If I could get through this, I can and will get through whatever comes in my way.

Or so i thought.

* * * * * * * * * *

Waking up from my sleep on a Saturday morning at 10.30am, after staying awake until 3.00am, I opened my Facebook account to see a message from two of my friends. I could only comprehend one word.

Rejected.

I opened my Gmail account and the email was there. As i stared at the monitor for a whole minute, reading the email, it was as though my heart stopped. And then, I did something unexpected.

I laughed.

It wasn't a laugh of happiness. It was not a laugh of lunacy. It was just unexpected laughter. 'Your application was unsuccessful'. I stared at that line for a moment and reality crashed in.

"Shit," was all I said. It took a while for me to get through the pain of missing out on one of the most prestigious universities in the world. But, as I closed the chapter of that day, I recalled yet another quote..'This is the ups and downs of life.Get used to it'..

Ah, the bliss of despair..As it welled inside me, the other me which I kept shackled howled sadly in the night.

For all the pain, there is much to gain,

For all the suffering, there is much to obtain,

For all the memories, there is much to see,

For all the moments, this is what you can be.

CCW

What Word?

I am currently in a dilemma.

I find myself in need of a word. A word to describe how I feel right now. Despite the fact that my results are to be known in less than 12 hours, 'nervous' is not the only feeling I have right now. I am also torn between rage, irritation, despair and extreme pain.

I have known this person for a very long time.

Longer, in fact, than I would ever dream of. You could say that this person has been such a major influence to my life that I would not be who I am if it were not for this person.

For a long time, I had placed my trust on this person. I had live and grew up with respect to this person. Everything that person says, I take as advice. Everything that person does, I take as an example. Until a few years ago. I realized that our thoughts were different. I could not follow that person anymore. And yet, by contract, I was 'bounded' to this person. Like a dog to a leash. I could only whine helplessly for escape. However, I did have my say in several things. But every time I had my say, there was that uneasy look on the face of that person. A look that suggests that I had to do it using that person's method.

I thought I could withstand that.

I thought I could just be patient and await the day my contract ended.

But, the torment starts to become unbearingly painful. Every minor mistake, every misstep, I was awarded with knives to my heart. Every minute of life near that person was like bathing in the flames of Hell.

I cannot say I am sick of it. There was no way I could get through everyday if I kept being sick about it. I did one of the most cowardly thing one could do.

I took everything in.

I accepted every barrage of insults that ensued.
I forgave the person and instead piled all the blame on myself.

I convinced myself that everything that happened was entirely my fault.

I thought I could survive with that mentality.

Funny how it took just one whole statement to ruin the barrier that I created.

What would you do if someone regretted your existence?

What would you do if someone regretted the existence of someone who is in a blood relation with you?

How would you feel?

What would you do if someone told you that you are destined to fail in everything you do?

What would you do if every part of yourself were condemned?

How would you feel?

I thought I could use the anger as a catalyst for fueling my own strength. It was not to be. Even the evil side of myself could not withstand the brunt of these attacks. I began to thirst for blood. It took all my self-control to restrain myself from exploding. I imploded, crying silently in the dark.

So what is the word to describe how I feel right now?

Is it frustration? Is it indignation? Is it resignation to life as it is?

I do not know.

And I need an answer fast.

I'm losing my grip...

CCW

Butterflies In My Stomach

Yes.

I'm very nervous.

Why, you ask?

In two days, at 7.15am when I wake up, I will be in front of the computer with the A2 results portal displayed on the monitor. I will type in my username and password and what comes out will determine my next stage in life. Interestingly, the aftermath boils down to three paths..

Path 1 - Good results. NTU offers..I get a scholarship and I study my ass out in Singapore, working there once I graduate

Path 2 - Good, but not good enough.. NTU offers, I either obtain a government loan or I study in Nottingham University in Malaysia

Path 3 - Pathetic results..Well, I rather not imagine what I have to go through if I get this..

Despite me saying that, I am worried. I knew I did not do very well in most of my papers. I screwed Paper 5 for both Physics and Chemistry. I was mentally disturbed during Further Maths Paper 1 [got the news that my father had cancer the day before].

I know that my AS results might help me pull my marks up but still, the bulk is in A2.. I'm scared I won't do good enough. I really want to study in NTU. Not because its Singapore but because I want a change in environment. As well as, trying to be independent and not to be bothered by some people that I probably shouldn't mention here. I can't back down now. I can't turn back the clock to fix what's wrong.

I can only hope. Hope that I get the results I need.

Hope.

Funny how I have to depend on something so superstitious as that for this period of time.

Whatever comes, I will take it.

For good or for bad, its done.

CCW

One Man's Perception Truly Is Another Man's Confusion

Everybody has had an argument before. I'm very sure of that. Whether it is an argument with yourself, your conscience or with someone else, I am positive everyone has argued before. What does an argument lead to?

This?

Or this?

Which do you prefer?

Would you prefer an argument that ends with each side battling it out physically to prove his or her point? Or do you prefer an argument that ends with each side reconciling their differences and reaching a compromise?

Whether it ends with violence or peace, the end of an argument is usually the same. USUALLY. As I mentioned above, you can end an argument by forcing your opinion to be accepted or you could try to reconcile and reach a certain agreement.

But, the world is not that sweet.

The world is not filled with people that can think like that. Those are mere stereotypes. There are so many different traits in a person that not every person share the same mentality. You might meet a few who could easily take an argument likely, make it enjoyable and reach a conclusion with time for a drink. BUT. You will also meet people with not enough sense to see an end to an argument. They would deny the obvious, preferring instead to prove their own illogical reasoning and as you very well know, end up in fist-throwing.

Either way, arguments are a part of out lives. Arguments pave way to innovation and the voicing of a variety of thoughts. Arguments open the mind to more options, more than you can generate by just brain-storming alone. I do not say that arguments should be a part of our daily life. I am saying that people should not take arguments as something like a poison and try avoiding it. One can easily gain a lot from arguments.

Take for example, a person who is in need of mixed opinions. All that person needs to do is to set a premise and expand from there. Anyone who does not agree to the premise may voice his or her opinion on the subject and an argument may ensue. Of course, a friendly one hopefully.

What I am trying to say is...

Arguments essentially created the present that is now. Without arguments, heated or not, the human generation may not have discovered most of the technology that we have today. A debate over what is more economical, a slightly heated exchange over which would bring more profit..all this are the base to a brighter future.

There are, however, baseless arguments among the otherwise meaningful arguments. What do we do to those meaningless debates? Ignore them? Dispose them? No, we shall take those into consideration and learn from our mistakes that such arguments are senseless and do nothing to aid us in life.

That said, I myself believe that arguments help shape a person. An argument with your conscience (however nonsensical it may sound, is actually a valid argument) can help you in your conquest of doing what is right, what is best for a situation and what is wrong.

So, live with arguments..whether you like it or not. Because sooner or later, you will get into one yourself.

CCW

1+1+1+1=4? There Shouldn't Be So Many!!

As one who loves cars, there is one thing that scares me more than anything else; getting involved in a car accident. Yes. The very thing that frightens me not because I drive an expensive car but because of the mess i have to go through. So far, I'm sad to say that I have got into not one, not two, not three but four accidents.

Four, you say?

Four?

You fucking serious?

Thats kinda pushing it to the limits, init?

After all the trouble you have been through on the first accident, you got yourself into three more? How many more accidents do you want to get into before you can stop getting yourself into one?

I'm guessing that's probably what's going on in all your minds right now.

And, truthfully, I'm thinking the exact same thing.

*Heaves a big sigh as though preparing to divulge a great tale*

(Cue to emo music from Fairy Tail)

I better start from the beginning...

I obtained my P license with no pressure, all the while practicing with my mother's car(which is my current car after she bought a new one). It all seemed well until I got into my first accident.

The first accident was rather ambiguous but it was still ultimately my fault. I couldn't brake in time and hit my car to a lorry.

Repair costs: RM2k ++

I though that was the end of my worries. For two days, I drove carefully, paranoia getting the better of me. I would brake a few meters away just to be safe. Then, I reversed my car into another person's car. I shamefully admit that it was a hit and run. My car had a slight dent at the right back side and the other car's rear bumper came off. I was awash with guilt for two whole weeks, wondering if I could have done anything. I did the worst thing as a human.

I slept soundly with no remorse after that.

I guess retribution has its ways of reaching to me.

I got into yet another accident two months after that. This time a bus grazed my left side. Well, graze would have been so much nicer compared to the real situation. My whole left side was torn apart. When at first my mother told me that it was the bus driver's fault, she quickly, I repeat, quickly, changed her mind when my father came home and accessed the situation.

Repair costs:Rm1k+

I was destroyed at that time. I vividly recalled being extremely depressed. It was during the AS exam trials so I was supposed to go to college to study. I recall only confiding to Saadeesh, leaving my friends (Theresa, Kun Eng, Zing Wen and Shu Peih, my usual study group members) in the dark. It wasn't until the next day that I could talk to them. But the pain was there. The hurt that left a scar in my heart (thankfully not on the exterior, as my mother likes to insult, I have no more clear skin left on my outside to have any more scars) reminds me of the unnecessary mess that I have got myself into just because I was careless on the road.

From then on, I vowed not to get into anymore accidents. I told myself to be more careful on the road. I literally practiced driving everyday, taking every opportunity to drive, learning more of the roads. Even during the end of my course, which ended last two months, I still drove around, half of it due to the fact that my father was in the hospital recuperating from the cancer removal operation(an operation known as the 'commando' surgery). I would drive down to the KL hospital my father was in and when he was discharged, drove him to that hospital every weekday for his radio and chemo. I thought I would be fine since he did advise me on my driving skills. (I still dislike him putting the radio at such a low volume -.-)

Then, today, tragedy struck.

Take one

Take two

Take three

Pain

Here's what happened.

It was 5.40 and all the Seafield students were leaving, school ending early due to the fasting month of Ramadhan. I made a mistake of having to weather through the congested area of the school to fetch my brother from tuition. The car in front of me inched forward as did I. I had planned to turn left, signalling and was already on the move when a student on a bicycle came speeding though the gap. And who should he meet?

Unlucky ol' me.

WHAM.

I hit the kid and the kid slammed is bike on my car (T.T my car!!!).. Panicking, I couldn't brake and my car moved forward for a good whole meter before my second half kicks in and brake. I couldn't believe my eyes. His bike was in good shape, he was unharmed (Thank God) but my car!! THERE WAS A FUCKING HUGE DENT ON THE CAR!!! GODDAMNIT!!!

To think i would have gotten better at driving, here's the unlucky stroke of brilliance I had and KABOOM!!

My car is in the dumps.

I'm not even half way through my life experience of driving and I've gotten myself in FOUR, FOUR, FOUR!!! accidents.

I wonder how bad my life will become if i take this into statistical consideration.

*Heaves another great sigh*

My only wish now is to get into NTU where I plan to work for at least 10 years ( 4 when i'm still studying, 3 due to the tuition grant and another 3 if i'm accepting government loan ). Hopefully, I can save money from that for future usage.

*Heaves yet another great sigh*

This is the beginning of university life, i guess..

CCW