Mixed Emotions

It is said that humans have so many emotions that they do not even realize what they are actually feeling at any period of time. It is said that within anger, there is despair. Within hurt, there is befuddlement. Within chaos, there is peace.

What am I feeling now?

The empty darkness that slowly drains me?

The cloudy confusion that veils my understanding?

The dripping despair of the rain?

Or the unbearable swirl of rage in me?

How am I feeling now?

What am I supposed to feel?

You see, I am lost about how I am supposed to feel when someone drags you right down to the earth. Drag might be a bit inappropriate. Should I say beaten to the ground?

No.

There is not a word to describe the insults that were directed to me at the time when I do not want it. At the time when I am most susceptible to snap under the burden.

No one likes to be insulted right smack in the face..Maybe some people can live with that. But no one can possibly feel nothing from being insulted right down to the very core of your being. Even an entity that I create to ignore such remarks would not have withstand such a barrage.

I might be a bit more sensitive than I would like to be. I might overthink this. However, the main problem here is that I have no idea how should I feel in this moment.

This is not a normal insult session anymore. This is going beyond the realms of insults. It feels as though I've been stabbed over and over again with a knife so blunt that a huge amount of force is needed so that it can stab me. Hell, being literally stabbed would have been less painful.

How would you feel if you are being so lowly thought of that you are actually being regretted upon existing? How would you feel when the pillar that you thought would support you, crumbles without you even hitting it? What would you do if you were branded a failure in life, that you cannot move forward? How would you feel being overgeneralized?

I do not know.

I would not be asking if I had known.

It is not despair. It is not something I can use as my strength. It is not anger. It is not something I can hold in. It is not emptiness. It is not something that leaves a hole in heart.

This mixed emotions is a mystery to me.

I will find out what it is.

Soon.

Hopefully.

If I continue living.

CCW

An Update In Life

Yes. It is an update in life. An update of what has transpired in the past weeks.

First and foremost, I am proud to be the owner of a new laptop. Its a Dell Inspiron 15R

Specs

1. 8GB RAM

2. 500GB HD

3. Nvidia Geforce 1GB Graphics Card

4. Second Generation i7 Processor

5. Windows 7 Home Premium

Suffice to say that it is awesome [I noticed i've been using this word very often in these weeks.]

Shiny blue..nice colour

Very nice, i must say

All in all, it costs RM2819..and it is very cheap, considering the fact that it has an i7 processor. Mum bought it in Lowyat after we looked at a few models. This was the cheapest with the best specs though I have a hunch that we could have lowered the price a bit more.

That is one.

This is another.

I am happy to say that my dad is cleared to be discharged from the hospital tomorrow (28 June). The operation went very well, with a small bump in the post-op.

Which brings us to a topic which i would like to bring up and I hope someone can shed some light on this predicament.

What is the name of the problem whereby the food consume fails to flow into the digestive tract and instead flows into your lungs instead? I have tried researching it in the Internet but it was futile. Can someone give me a hint or explain the foresaid situation?

It was a problem my dad had after the operation.

That is another.

I realized I have not specifically said that I am driving now. Eversince getting my P licence, I have been an active driver, taking every opportunity to be in the car. By the way, I own a 1997 Honda City 1.3 Vtec.

My pride and my ride

14 years old and still rocking

Yes, you saw correctly. It is 14 years old and it is still magnificent[stopped myself from using awesome here]. It looks pretty new because its been well-kept. I shall not show the other side as there is a dent on that side(please don't ask X.X). My mother was the previous owner but this was given to me after she bought a new car. A new Honda City full spec.

This looks way better and meaner than mine :(

My family is a Honda family. We prefer Honda to Toyota though we did made a mistake of buying a Proton Iswara. When contemplating what car to get, my mum had three options;

1. Perodua Alza - A good car, but it was an MPV so my mum was not that keen.

2. Toyota Vios - This was Honda City's rival. But the looks is pathetic since undergoing a facelift(not sure if this is the word, should i say facedown?)

3. Perodua Myvi - An immediate reject when it reached the discussion table. There's too many on the road and my mum thinks its a bit too small.

In the end, the new Honda City caught her eye and she bought it after researching it in the showroom.

Personally, I would have suggested getting the new Proton Saga FL which was released about two months after she bought the new Honda City(Auto transmission with paddle shifters, a change in her life after driving manual for 30 years).

By the way, my car is a manual-transmission type which i got used to after 2 weeks. Sure, its a drag going up cliffs or getting stuck in jams, but I personally favour manual. You get to control the gear change and the pick-up speed is cool. My car might be an old car but I've managed to drive it quite stably and fast at that. Currently, its max I can take is 150km/h, just achieved 2 days ago. I plan to try and bring it to 170 in the near future but that might be a bit straining for the car. I'm literally floating when it went at 150 on the NPE.

Did I mention I'm having a car fetish?

Yes.

I'm in love with supercars, muscle cars, mod. cars, old drift cars. In short, I love cars.

I started loving cars after being introduced to the world of cars by my college friend, Saadeesh Gunasekaran who knows most of the cars that you see everyday and those that you can only see in showrooms.

And his dream car is...

This is a Mercedes SLR 722GT..the pride of Mercedes-Benz

And my dream car is..

This is an Aston Martin Virage..a 2012 production model

Unfortunately the Aston Martin is a long shot since it is EXPENSIVE. Fun fact, this car is supposedly the bridge that connects the tiny gap between the Aston Martin DBS (James Bond) and the Aston Martin DB9.

So, if this car is so expensive, what do I see myself having?

Well, i do like this car

Mitsubishi Lancer Evolution X [rally car]

and these,

Mazda 6 (2011 Facelift 2.5L version)

Mazda RX7 (F&F Tokyo Drift)

Fine, even in the three, only the RX7 seems attainable.

I am currently bumming off after finishing my A-Levels course.

I am hoping to be accepted into Nanyang Technological University, Singapore to study either Chemistry or Materials Engineering. In the event of that failing, I have University of Nottingham Malaysia as an alternative.

I believe this concludes the chapter of my life updates (i am a very boring person when I'm alone).

I miss my college friends. The time we were together was not enough.

The next chapter- I shall go in depth about my college life.

CCW

Black Sheep

Thats probably what's happening inside of me right now. The cold feeling of indifference. The hot feeling of rage that I've been trying to keep myself from having. Two forces forcing itself to fight inside of me. A seemingly heated, yet cold argument happening within me, trying to reach a conclusion.

What conclusion?

What am I trying to reach?

A solution to a problem that I myself know there would be no solution as long as I'm alive?

A solution to a problem that would never end as long as someone else is alive?

No.

That's not what I'm trying to find.

All I want to find is justification.

I want to justify that what I have done, what I will be doing..and what I am doing are preparations for my future. I want to justify that for the things I have done, I have done ultimately the best I can. Whatever order that was given, I had executed them to how I see fit.

No.

It was not how I see fit.

It was to how YOU saw fit.

I did exactly what I was told. Done what I've been ordered to do. Accomplished everything..never even once objecting.

NEVER even once declining an order, if it can even be declined at all.

And what do I get in return?

WHAT do I get in return?

Pain.

The building up of rage inside of me that I have to control so much and then expel it through unthinkable means.

That's what I get in return.

To a certain extent, I would agree that some of the pain you inflict may be beneficial for me in life. Maybe the insults you throw at me for the 4 hours that you actually see me are worth it. Maybe that would make you feel better.

I do nothing..nothing..but accept them.

I've learned ever since I turned 13, that there was no point in doing anything. Nothing seemed to work. Nothing.

I do not have the guts like my brother to turn on you.
I do not have the rage like my father to defy you.

I do not have the venom like my mother to confront you.

I'm the black sheep of the family.

I stand out..or should i say..I want to stand out.

I am uncomfortable with any of the guts, rage or venom from any of the above.

I prefer peace, which is why you don't get any, when you're me.

I'm just throwing out my anger here. Spilling my boiling blood over the computer because that's one of the only ways that I can actually catalyze my anger out of my system. I can never complain out loud. I could..but I wouldn't.

There's no point changing the unchangeable.

That much I've accepted.

"This is the hell which you are trying to cope with. A hell that would prepare you for the next hell"-HD

CCW

Pathetic

Finally, the Malaysian government has snapped. Yep, they have finally reached a point where they must do the one thing that might incite a massive riot. Allow me to take the news from the newspaper.

'No more free downloads as MCMC blocks 10 file sharing sites

PETALING JAYA: In a bid to combat piracy, the Government has declared war on filesharing websites with 10 such websites now blocked by the telecommunications industry watchdog.

The websites were among the most visited sites by Malaysians to illegally download movies.

On May 30, Malaysian Communications and Multimedia Commission (MCMC) had written a letter to all Internet Service Providers (ISPs) ordering the block.

The letter was signed by Digital Security Services division acting seniordirector Eneng Faridah Iskandar.

The letter, which was leaked online, also stated that the websites were being blocked for breaching Section 41 of the Copyright Act 1987, which deals with pirated content.

An MCMC spokesperson confirmed the ban and said it was done on the request of the Domestic Trade, Co-operatives and Consumerism Ministry.

The ministry's enforcement division director-general Mohd Roslan Mahayudin confirmed that the request was made.

“It is standard procedure for the ministry to request MCMC to block sites that violate the Copyright Act 1987,” he told The Star.

Roslan said the ministry had requested that 19 websites, including the 10 listed in the letter, be blocked for violating the Act but added that it was up to MCMC to decide on which ones to block.

When asked about the fate of surfers who legally use the websites such as for storing non-pirated content, Mohd Roslan said they could always write to the ministry.

“Anyone who feels the ban is wrong can write to us and we will look into it,” he said.

Film maker Norman Abd Halim of KRU Studios said the move was long overdue.

“The unauthorised use of copyright work is destroying the industry. If everyone feels that works should be shared, then there is no value in these works,” he said.

Norman equated the move to South Korea's three-strikes law, where a person guilty of copyright infringement can have their Internet access suspended for six months.

However, irate users have vented their frustration by creating aFacebook page to protest.

By 8.30pm yesterday, there were 410 supporters who “liked” the page that was named “1M Malaysians Don't Want Block File Sharing Websites.”

FilesTube Media Search Engine, one of the sites ordered blocked, also commented on the page.

“We have posted information about this on our wall. We are with you.”

Before the page was put up, some Malaysians were already protesting via Twitter.

“You can't create a walled-up Internet garden,” read one tweet.

Some also made reference to the MSC Malaysia Bill of Guarantees which states that the Government will not censor the Internet.

MSC Malaysia is a national initiative that kicked off in 1996 and is aimed at transforming the nation into a knowledge-based economy.'

There you have it. Some people would be fuming at this. Some people would not. But, I can tell you this..I would expect 75% of the Malaysian citizens who are avid downloaders [we shall generalize downloaders here] to be very angry.

Why do I say that?

Look at the sites they have banned.

Look at number 2, 9 and 10. When I took up the paper today, the dreaded feeling was there. I have expected them to block ThePirateBay [aptly named, which proves that the Malaysian government only looks at the name and not check its contents] but I certainly did not expect them to block Filestube and Megaupload. For me, I would say that Filestube and Megaupload are two of the largest file-storing sites in the world. And the government is happily..let me repeat that, HAPPILY banning those sites.

Seriously, if the move was implemented to curb piracy, then this shows that the government has effectively ran out of all other options [brain disruption?] to curb piracy. This double-edged move, in fact, so double-edged its so dangerous I won't be surprised if the Parliament gets rioted, is such a completely pathetic move. Its like moving your king to center of the board during the mid-game of chess and hoping your opponent falls into your trap.. a trap that clearly says "This is a trap!".

Maybe I'm the only one feeling this way. Maybe I'm the only one uses Megaupload and ThePirateBay. Maybe I've no other options in downloading. But. But. This does not change the fact that this move is double-edged. If you read the article,

"When asked about the fate of surfers who legally use the websites such as for storing non-pirated content, Mohd Roslan said they could always write to the ministry.

“Anyone who feels the ban is wrong can write to us and we will look into it,” he said."

I don't know. Has anyone ever written to the Ministry and received anything else other than a letter saying 'We'll consider it and will look into it as soon as possible'? I'm not saying this is all that's happening. I'm saying this is the typical scenario. Do you know how much of a bother this puts into those who are "legally using the websites such as for storing non-pirated content"? Imagine the discomfort experienced by those who decide to check their file stores and realize that everything has been banned.

I'll leave the thought process to you guys to think about this ill-based move. With the government making bad moves every now and then, its no wonder piracy is never solved [I dunno. Inspira seems to be piracy at its best..and Spiderman managed to earn its reputation in Malaysia as a lizard].

What i would like to comment is this.

"Film maker Norman Abd Halim of KRU Studios said the move was long overdue.

“The unauthorised use of copyright work is destroying the industry. If everyone feels that works should be shared, then there is no value in these works,” he said.

Norman equated the move to South Korea's three-strikes law, where a person guilty of copyright infringement can have their Internet access suspended for six months."

I do not see any other country banning ThePirateBay because of the worry of copyright infringement. And, i would like to point out that if what you say is like that, then Proton Inspira has no value at all and Malaysia would do well in making works that are ACTUALLY original.

I've said my piece. Now, hopefully, something good in this might come out.

CCW

Very very Thin Line

Did you know that between genius and madness is just a very very thin line?

Did you know that between being a fool and acting like one is just a very very thin line?

Did you know that between caring too much and being an annoyance is just a very very thin line?

Well, till today, I've found out all of the above.

But what I would like to delve in today is the second question.

Being a fool and acting like one are two different things. Entirely different things.

You are acting like a fool if you grumble about being lazy to buy bread from a convenience store that is just right in front of your eyes. You are being a fool if you don't even know the entrance to the convenience store.

You are being a fool if you do not answer your handphone after not one, not two but six times calling you. You are acting like a fool if you're telling me that you do not notice your handphone ringing because you were walking and not being able to feel the vibration.

You see?

Two nearly similar situations. But two entirely different things to describe the situations.

Why do i say that between being a fool and acting like one is just a very very thin line?

Because you can be both of them.

Without realizing, you can actually be a fool for one moment and act like one in the next.

Unbelievable?

Believe it.

HD

The Right Choice

We have seen how important making choices are. We have seen how it affects our lives. How one decision can bring forth so many chains of events that even one mistake can screw up an entire system of efforts.

But then, for each choice we make, the results, the aftermath must be taken into account. Are we making the right choice? Are we doing what is best? Are we choosing the astute course of action? Will the decision come back to haunt us in times to come? Everything, let me repeat it, everything, must be taken into account. Whatever actions we take, if we make a wrong move, there can be no turning back.

However, doing so is not an easy task. When i say everything, it isn't something that can be taken lightly. I really meant everything. Every nook, every corner must not be left unturned. Making the right choice means making sacrifices during certain times, some times even when you don't want to. Making the right choice means taking actions that is the best in the situation even if you detest it. Even if doesn't fit your desires.

Everyone will know what is the right choice is. Not everybody can make that choice. I'm not saying that those people are dim-witted. I'm saying this because making the right choice is that difficult. Picture yourself in a situation when you have an event to attend. An event would lead to a better future for you, your company and realizing your father's dream. Imagine receiving a call that your mother is lying sick in bed, hours from reaching the end of her life. Imagine only being able to be in only one of those places. What would you do? Risk the dream you have built for so long? Or risk the fact that you will never see your mother alive again? Simple, you say. You know which one you would choose.

But.

Imagine being in those shoes in reality. Making such a choice is not as easy as it seems. You would think you have it planned out. You would think you are able to make the right choice then.

Some can.

Most cannot.

Each of us has a drive within us that puts ourselves in the front of the line. Prioritizing our lives rather than the rest. What is important is how one manages that.

I cannot say I have seen myself in such a situation before. But, the time will come when each of us have a decision to make that will change our lives forever. For better of for worse, i shall leave that to the rest of you to decide.

HD

The End Of A Chapter..The Journey Of Another..

The end of my A-level course..the end of another chapter.

I honestly felt that this was the hardest chapter for me to conclude. There were too many things that I've attempted, too many things I've learnt, too many things I have endured.

Everything has an end.

In fact, 2010 and 2011 will be the two years I'll always remember for the rest of my life.

So many things..

Driving a car...and learning to speed..maneuvering..

Confessing..

Tragedies..

More agony..

All these are but the stepping stones in my life.

I'm regretting the ending of my course.

The new friends I've gained. The old ones that I still keep in touch.

Most of the experiences I've got.

Everything.

I'll remember every happiness and every pain I've been inflicted with.

The worst of it all being the fact that my father has gotten tongue cancer.

The fact that he has to undergo a 'commando surgery' next week.

The fact that he does not want to listen to advice when he needs it the most.

I'll remember all of this.

The suffering.

The admonishment.

The resentment.

The resolve that was never there..the resolve I had to shoulder.

Please, do not get me wrong.

I'm not saying this because I have no respect.

I'm saying this because I want to remember the fact that it happened.

Such a thing would not have happened if certain steps were taken.

It is too late now.

But not for me.

I'm better than him. That's a given. I will NOT succumb to the same problems.

I will be the last one standing.

And because of that, a new chapter begins.

A new journey lies before me.

A journey of pain, loss, despair and overwhelming fun.

I'm gonna love what's coming next.

Once again, I will let myself be engulfed by the wrath that is HD.

The person who will, has and is the better person.

The person who I've created from despair, rage and pain.

The person who is truly better.

As the page begins to flip, the pens of fate trembles..

What more is there to come?

What other despair shall we see?

What other pain shall be inflicted?

What other happiness shall shine?

Whose blood shall be spilt this time?

I do not know.

Fate does not need to know.

The pendulum continues its oscillation.

And so...

The journey shall commence.

CCW