Silent Cries In The Dark

I wonder how long has it been since I last cried. If I remember, it was not too long ago. I do however, know that I have rarely cried since getting through baby days. And if I do cry, it would always be for the same reason. Yes. The same reason that has always got me in a slump. The same reason that I had to depend on HD and my friends to help me get back on my feet.

It was always because of two people.

I would not want to disclose the names for fear of getting my ass hauled off. But, know this, these two people are the reason why the occasional rain falls in my heart. These people are the reason why i can always rein in my anger by sheer tolerance and self-beating.

And now, something else has come into play.

The clock of death has announced its presence. It appears, though in haziness, on one of the heads of these two people. The clock which shows the countdown.. the countdown to one's final breath. It appears but it has not fully materialize. Imagine the shock I had when I learnt the terrible predicament that befell onto the subject.

At first, I wallowed in despair. Though, this person has caused me to shed my tears, through responsibility and common sense, there is still that ounce of care left in me. I wonder, what would you feel like if someone close to you has a possibility of getting cancer? What would you do? How would you react? I felt despair. I felt depressed. No one would be happy if a person you are close to or having some sort of connection with contracts cancer.

However, my feelings of despair lasted only a mere week.

Why? I'm going to tell you why. By the end of the explanation, i would have relieved myself of a terrible weight. A weight that will continue to burden me for the rest of my life or at least until the weight has been disposed of. (For future reference, this person shall be named X)

X has contracted some sort of predicament that causes him to be unable to finish his food and keeps taking sick leave. A normal person would, after a week, consult a doctor to see if there is anything wrong. X waited 2 months. You read it right. 2 full months. Sure, he consulted a GP a few times, taken the antibiotics but seriously, one would have the sense to consult a specialist if the pain persists for TWO whole months, am i right?

Leaving that aside, a tantrum then occurred between these 2 people. And not just your ordinary tantrum. This time, it involved a broken plate and a flying plastic bag of rubbish. Imagine, a simple snide remark that caused that. It makes me wonder if my high tolerance is actually a very rare gift.

You might be wondering if the person had in fact consulted a specialist. He did, in one of the town's best hospitals. However, the results and tests which he went for are... to say the least, abysmal. Long story short, what is the point of consulting a specialist, when you are asking him to run a test on everything BUT not a test on whether you have indeed contracted cancer?

Foolish, you might say. And yes, I will very well agree with you.

However.

However.

We are in the end, human. And humans have something which we call fear. And not just your average daily fear. It is the fear of facing reality. From now on, it is merely a deduction I make, which is not an astute conclusion but it more or less sums up the situation.

I believe that X is scared. Afraid of discovering the prospects of having cancer. So scared, it seems, that he would do nothing else to check, choosing instead to suffer for weeks long. I am not going to be someone who wants to poke his nose into somebody else's business but....

"What kind of fucked-up reasoning is that?"

Do you mean to actually say that you are scared of finding out that you have cancer in the early stages and that you are perfectly fine about knowing it when it is too late? No, you may protest. You may deny that. But that is reality. Why wait so long to do a check-up? Why waste time and money to force you to, finally do a proper check-up, 2 months after not recovering?

Why?

You might be scared of knowing the truth. You might have a bad record on family history, having some of your relatives die due to cancer. Still , why are you afraid? Are you indeed one who retreats when you see a small stone in your beloved straight road, choosing not to continue on your path,until someone kicks the small stone away from you? I might seem to be insulting your very being but think. Am i wrong??

Am I?

I do not understand this concept of fearing reality. Or maybe, its because I have discarded some of my fears. Discarded enough of them to know what is wrong and what is right. And to know what is the sensible action to take..

I have said enough. The subject pains me even when I'm just taking it out on myself.

If you think you are better off not knowing, I wouldn't stop you. Even when you are suffering, I would still provide the support that is my responsibility. I may not be who you want me to be but you have to live with that. I will be better than you.. no. I am better than you.

So, all i can do now, is hope that bad remains bad and not worse. Hope that the bad can be good. And hope that after all of this, you would reflect.

The pieces that come together perfectly in a seam,

The melody and tune that fits without any forceful means,

The music that flows, further enhances the scene,

As it goes, the Hymn To The Immortal Wind,

For all the things that I've already seen,

For all the memories I have within,

I sought more, and became better than I've been,

Forever more, the Hymn To The Immortal Wind

CCW