Things never turn out the way we want them to be. But, it does not really matter anyway. If everything were to go as planned, I do not think that the world would be a fun place to live with. Is it a good thing to have a perfect lifestyle? Or is it better to be faced with the many possibilities that open up when you make your move? I like to think of it as something you cannot expect and yet at the same time, you know what to expect based on the moves you make.
That is life for me now. Living in an unfamiliar place, wondering if things will go right, wondering if things will ever go the way you expect them to be. And yet, none of it mattered. The important thing, as I realized one morning, is to just live in the moment. Of course, one might beg to differ and say that you should live for the future. There would not be much fun in that, then, if you are going to just live for the future. Life would be just boring.
And yet, deep down, you understand the logic. You understand that apart from living your life in the moment, your very course of action in that moment should also be targeted towards the future. Deep down, you know you are not supposed to screw things, no matter how much you want to live in the moment doing it. That is the way i think. And I am extremely positive that my way of thinking is never going to be the same in every individual that walk the surface of the earth.
If it was, I very much doubt I would have spent the ten minutes walking to a friend's hall and finding out that I had walked there for no reason at all. If it was, I would not have to lose time on going back to my room and switching sweaters because the rain was steadily soaking the current one. If it was, I probably would not have been in the current university which i am studying in now. All these variables, so many of them and yet so little time. What should I have done in the past in order for me to be where I am supposed to be, if this place where I'm 'supposed' to be is not here at all?
I guess that question is what has been bogging my mind every time I'm alone or mulling things over in my head. Would I have done better if the variables where changed? Would I have done worse instead? What are the outcomes? What are the consequences? Do I really have to analyse every piece on the board, every move, every permutation of steps, for me to truly realize where I should be standing?
If I were a computer, yes, that is what I would do. But I'm just an ordinary human with a weight problem, a facial problem and not to mention a social problem. I am loaded with problems and thus, I admit, I would not have the patience whatsoever to analyse ALL the necessary moves that i can take into consideration.
And to be honest, I'm quite glad I did not.
Why, you ask.
Why did you say that you are glad your analyzing was incomplete? Why are you happy over a result you know isn't the expected result because of the lack of time spent upon considering the moves that lead to it?
The answer is simple.
I have no idea what is in store for me should my actions in the past be different. If I had indeed, not enrolled into Sunway College, would I have met the close friends I have with me now, who have been such a comfort, albeit at times a bit harsh, in my life? If I had not enrolled into Sunway College, would I have experienced the pain of a heartbreak?
I do not know. And yet, I do not regret the actions I have taken. I had placed my foot firmly on the next step, never taking it back to change my direction. Even if I do have regrets, I would also have the feeling of regret over not being able to experience such emotions, should I have taken different measures. Maybe, other actions would bring about the same results. Maybe, the other actions would bring a much better result. I do not know. And that is the subject that matters the most.
I had stopped at the 4th paragraph two nights ago and am now continuing it after thinking through the things I want to write in this post. Within that two days, my perspective would have changed a bit. I am more matured than the me two days ago. Thus, when I write this, or type this, I open a new stream of thoughts, a more open-minded stream, which is, in theory, better than two days ago. But still, the premise would be the same; it doesn't matter the route which I took, what matters is the contents of the route and whether or not such a content may occur in different routes.
I wonder what would happen if I had been able to converse fluently in the Mandarin language. I would have probably mixed with a different crowd of people rather than the people I am currently mixing with. If I were fluent in that language, would I have been in better speaking terms with the girl whom I was foolishly having a crush with? I have no idea. The variable in question stands, but the result is unclear. For all intents and purposes, language might not be the barrier here. Maybe it is something else. What if I had been keeping all those grudges I have instead of letting it go and let bygones be bygones? I very much doubt I would still be hanging out with some of my friends, who I have considered to be one of my closest confidants.
Its all about the variables in question. And then again, it isn't. The variables are important and influential, I give you that point but the results that come from such variables being in the main equation also matters, whether real or not.
This is turning into somewhat a case study of myself. I'm turning this post into some sort of experimentation on my own sense of defining variables and drawing conclusions. Yet, as analytic as it sounds, I very much doubt I can put everything I have in mind into typing. I would probably include a few more examples but anything else would be left for viewer's imagination or for myself to ponder within myself.
I think it was two to three months back when I was told that I observe too much. Notice how this immediately becomes a variable in my equation. Due to the fact that i was told that i had a good amount of powers of observation, I begin to immediately realize it myself. I could instinctively remember a good number of cars which were parked with mine in the train station and not only that, I could also tell who were the drivers. I was able to notice certain anomalies within crowds after a mere two days of observation. And yet, I begin to wonder. Would I have such a strength in observation if I was not told about it? My mother used to say that I was not observing enough. Would that statement, aided by a directly opposite statement, help form this variable and as a result, I was able to apply my powers of observation in daily life? And then, the manipulation of variables, the 'what ifs' begin to shape. Would I have such a strength if nobody told me about it? Would I still be able to observe the factors around me?
I guess it really doesn't matter if somebody had told me either version of the statement. The fact that i was having nothing to do at the train station apart from waiting for the arrival of the next train, was already a variable for me to be led to the 'powers of observation' variable. What if, instead, I had entered the train station with a friend? Would my powers of observation still be the same? Or would I have enjoyed light conversation with the friend, be it a girl or a guy, and totally changed the scale of my powers of observation? Of course, this particular question was answered on the way back when I could still observe the surrounding environment despite taking the train back with a friend. And yet, a conclusion could not be drawn. As I have learnt, an experiment does not draw conclusions over a small number of trials. I needed more time for the experiment in order for me to affirm the variables and solve the equation.
Alas, time was not going to wait and that particular experiment was discontinued. However, the variables have been stated and the equation was looking to be completed. Still, as much as I would like to complete the equation and be done with this madness, I know, with my immature engineering mind, that my variables were not enough. More would still have to be taken into consideration and for that purpose, I cannot draw a clear conclusion over this matter.
Typing this now, however, has given me some sort of opening in my mind to further think this through. The post might be heading for its last paragraph but the motion has not been cleared. The question still stands. How are these variables affecting my life? How do they shape my life? Would these variables, once variated, provide a different conclusion that the ones I have drawn?
I will never know. And its because of the unknown that makes life so much more exciting than it should be.
Andrew
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