Variables And Result; The Shaping of My Life

Things never turn out the way we want them to be. But, it does not really matter anyway. If everything were to go as planned, I do not think that the world would be a fun place to live with. Is it a good thing to have a perfect lifestyle? Or is it better to be faced with the many possibilities that open up when you make your move? I like to think of it as something you cannot expect and yet at the same time, you know what to expect based on the moves you make.

That is life for me now. Living in an unfamiliar place, wondering if things will go right, wondering if things will ever go the way you expect them to be. And yet, none of it mattered. The important thing, as I realized one morning, is to just live in the moment. Of course, one might beg to differ and say that you should live for the future. There would not be much fun in that, then, if you are going to just live for the future. Life would be just boring.

And yet, deep down, you understand the logic. You understand that apart from living your life in the moment, your very course of action in that moment should also be targeted towards the future. Deep down, you know you are not supposed to screw things, no matter how much you want to live in the moment doing it. That is the way i think. And I am extremely positive that my way of thinking is never going to be the same in every individual that walk the surface of the earth.

If it was, I very much doubt I would have spent the ten minutes walking to a friend's hall and finding out that I had walked there for no reason at all. If it was, I would not have to lose time on going back to my room and switching sweaters because the rain was steadily soaking the current one. If it was, I probably would not have been in the current university which i am studying in now. All these variables, so many of them and yet so little time. What should I have done in the past in order for me to be where I am supposed to be, if this place where I'm 'supposed' to be is not here at all?

I guess that question is what has been bogging my mind every time I'm alone or mulling things over in my head. Would I have done better if the variables where changed? Would I have done worse instead? What are the outcomes? What are the consequences? Do I really have to analyse every piece on the board, every move, every permutation of steps, for me to truly realize where I should be standing?

If I were a computer, yes, that is what I would do. But I'm just an ordinary human with a weight problem, a facial problem and not to mention a social problem. I am loaded with problems and thus, I admit, I would not have the patience whatsoever to analyse ALL the necessary moves that i can take into consideration.

And to be honest, I'm quite glad I did not.
Why, you ask.
Why did you say that you are glad your analyzing was incomplete? Why are you happy over a result you know isn't the expected result because of the lack of time spent upon considering the moves that lead to it?

The answer is simple.
I have no idea what is in store for me should my actions in the past be different. If I had indeed, not enrolled into Sunway College, would I have met the close friends I have with me now, who have been such a comfort, albeit at times a bit harsh, in my life? If I had not enrolled into Sunway College, would I have experienced the pain of a heartbreak?

I do not know. And yet, I do not regret the actions I have taken. I had placed my foot firmly on the next step, never taking it back to change my direction. Even if I do have regrets, I would also have the feeling of regret over not being able to experience such emotions, should I have taken different measures. Maybe, other actions would bring about the same results. Maybe, the other actions would bring a much better result. I do not know. And that is the subject that matters the most.

I had stopped at the 4th paragraph two nights ago and am now continuing it after thinking through the things I want to write in this post. Within that two days, my perspective would have changed a bit. I am more matured than the me two days ago. Thus, when I write this, or type this, I open a new stream of thoughts, a more open-minded stream, which is, in theory, better than two days ago. But still, the premise would be the same; it doesn't matter the route which I took, what matters is the contents of the route and whether or not such a content may occur in different routes.

I wonder what would happen if I had been able to converse fluently in the Mandarin language. I would have probably mixed with a different crowd of people rather than the people I am currently mixing with. If I were fluent in that language, would I have been in better speaking terms with the girl whom I was foolishly having a crush with? I have no idea. The variable in question stands, but the result is unclear. For all intents and purposes, language might not be the barrier here. Maybe it is something else. What if I had been keeping all those grudges I have instead of letting it go and let bygones be bygones? I very much doubt I would still be hanging out with some of my friends, who I have considered to be one of my closest confidants.

Its all about the variables in question. And then again, it isn't. The variables are important and influential, I give you that point but the results that come from such variables being in the main equation also matters, whether real or not.

This is turning into somewhat a case study of myself. I'm turning this post into some sort of experimentation on my own sense of defining variables and drawing conclusions. Yet, as analytic as it sounds, I very much doubt I can put everything I have in mind into typing. I would probably include a few more examples but anything else would be left for viewer's imagination or for myself to ponder within myself.

I think it was two to three months back when I was told that I observe too much. Notice how this immediately becomes a variable in my equation. Due to the fact that i was told that i had a good amount of powers of observation, I begin to immediately realize it myself. I could instinctively remember a good number of cars which were parked with mine in the train station and not only that, I could also tell who were the drivers. I was able to notice certain anomalies within crowds after a mere two days of observation. And yet, I begin to wonder. Would I have such a strength in observation if I was not told about it? My mother used to say that I was not observing enough. Would that statement, aided by a directly opposite statement, help form this variable and as a result, I was able to apply my powers of observation in daily life? And then, the manipulation of variables, the 'what ifs' begin to shape. Would I have such a strength if nobody told me about it? Would I still be able to observe the factors around me?

I guess it really doesn't matter if somebody had told me either version of the statement. The fact that i was having nothing to do at the train station apart from waiting for the arrival of the next train, was already a variable for me to be led to the 'powers of observation' variable. What if, instead, I had entered the train station with a friend? Would my powers of observation still be the same? Or would I have enjoyed light conversation with the friend, be it a girl or a guy, and totally changed the scale of my powers of observation? Of course, this particular question was answered on the way back when I could still observe the surrounding environment despite taking the train back with a friend. And yet, a conclusion could not be drawn. As I have learnt, an experiment does not draw conclusions over a small number of trials. I needed more time for the experiment in order for me to affirm the variables and solve the equation.

Alas, time was not going to wait and that particular experiment was discontinued. However, the variables have been stated and the equation was looking to be completed. Still, as much as I would like to complete the equation and be done with this madness, I know, with my immature engineering mind, that my variables were not enough. More would still have to be taken into consideration and for that purpose, I cannot draw a clear conclusion over this matter.

Typing this now, however, has given me some sort of opening in my mind to further think this through. The post might be heading for its last paragraph but the motion has not been cleared. The question still stands. How are these variables affecting my life? How do they shape my life? Would these variables, once variated, provide a different conclusion that the ones I have drawn?

I will never know. And its because of the unknown that makes life so much more exciting than it should be.

Andrew

The Opening

I wonder how long has it been since I had the time to take a stroll in the night. I couldn't actually remember the last time I did that. Not with other people, just myself trudging along the endless road, mulling through the befuddled mind of mine while I take in the night air.

Here I am, after a long time, the cold breeze that gently caresses my skin as I walk on the tarred road. I waved at the security personnel who was on duty for the night and slowly made my way to the edge of the abandoned land directly outside my house. The road that lay before me was wide and empty, with only three cars parked near the Chinese restaurant. Of course, my attention was not at the cars but at my own thoughts. This was the time when I could just relax and reorganize the continuously jumbled thoughts that swirl in the deep depths of my brain.

There was no full moon yet but it was reaching there. I was lucky the rain had abated. Otherwise, I would not have been able to enjoy the atmosphere now. I adjusted the neck of my jacket and continued down the path. The more I walk, the more I became absorbed into my realm of thought. The slight chill was exactly what I needed to relax.

"You know, I thought you had rid yourself of those sentimental thoughts,"a voice spoke from my side as a similarly built man fell into step with me. "HD, "I acknowledge,"I thought you were off elsewhere already." HD laughed as he walked. He was garbed in a black shirt with matching jeans, making his presence extremely unclear in the night. We had separated ways the previous year and I was genuinely surprised to see him return.

"I have completed what I had set out to do. I have returned once again to your side to set things straight at your end. Sorry I could not be there for the funeral...From what I heard, I guess its been harsh." I nodded as we stopped by the crossroad outside the housing area. "It was a bit hard to take it all in,"I started, "but I've moved on since then. The mourning stage has come and gone, and there are other things that I have to take care now." HD nodded as we gazed at the empty streets. Occasionally, a car would speed past the straight road without any incident.

"I used to think that with you discarding most of your emotions, you would be an empty shell, one without any feeling as to what others feel. I guess, with recent events, I was wrong. You did not visit your garden, I can see that, but while you had neglected it, you did not neglect your other duties. I underestimated you, Andrew. There might be some good in you after all." HD's words were not a compliment...it was merely stating a fact. As far as memory takes me, this is the nearest HD got to paying me a compliment, something I know a person like him would never ever do. "Still, there are loopholes in those actions. Sometimes, things will not go the way you want it to be. Take your garden for example. While you avoided it, I was still tending to it. The previous flower has withered but another has taken its place. I think you do not need me to tell you that it is your duty to make sure that flower stays alive for as long as it can be. We both know that it is not 'that' which is making you avoid the garden."

I snorted. "I guess there is no hiding from you, huh." I sighed as we begin our walk back to my house.

"Yes, there was another reason as to why I had avoided tending the garden. As I learnt the hard way, despair does not always become my greatest strength. Sometimes, it is my greatest weakness. The thought of seeing a solitary flower grow in the middle of a nurturing grassy plot of land somehow depicts a sort of painful memory that I had decided not to recall. But, I guess you are right. I can only avoid it for so long."

"You know what you have to do. The foundation has been laid..its up to you to perfect the design. Despair may or may not be your strength but know this. Everything you do is like two faces of a coin. It can be either good or bad. Heck, it might be both when the situation deems it so. And this time around, I will not be the one to help you with everything you do. I am here, as I have always been, as an adviser, someone to keep you in check only when needed. The rest of the factors, you will have to handle it on your own.."

HD stopped in his tracks and begin walking the opposite way. "You do not need to worry about the others. I am keeping a tight leash on them so you do not have to worry. That much I can assure you. However, there are still others who walk on this Earth. I do not expect you to be able to withstand all of them...but I shall see how much you can take. This is goodbye, Andrew. Until we meet again."

HD melted into the darkness as I continued my walk back without slowing down. Having cleared my thoughts, I think about the next day and the following days to come. Its time to take it to the next step. Its time to step up. Time to take measures for the orchestra to be played. The lines have been written. The notes are in tune. All that is left is to start the rhythm.

This is the opening.

The Garden

The flower held itself high, facing the sun, prideful and stoic. It was a solitary flower, surrounded by the greenery that was the grass. Pearl white with a hint of black around the insides of the petals. A beautiful colour.

At least, that was how i remembered the flower to be.

Deep down inside me, lies a garden. No matter how much I nurture that garden, no matter how much i attend to it, only one flower blooms at a time. And each of those flowers had wilted before its maturity. The garden used to be a sanctuary where I can relax and enjoy a book of two.

Until recently.

I have nearly no recollections about the first flower that bloomed in this garden. Was it a cherry blossom flower? Small, pink but breathtaking if bloomed in the dozens? Was it a daffodil? A yellow bright as light, a significance of chivalry? Was it a tulip? A rose? I do not remember.

I do not want to.

The garden used to be my sanctuary, as I had mentioned earlier. It was a place where I could spend my time here alone, wondering along the grass, gathering my thoughts and organizing my life. It used to be a  place where peace comes amidst the despair that comes.

Until recently.

Recently, a new flower had bloomed together with that white solitary flower. A flower with jet-black, almost charred-looking petals. It was bigger than all the other previous flowers. It was not something I could look at as I visited the garden in my free time. It was almost repulsive. The flower gave out a feeling of utmost pain, a feeling of being burnt. Perhaps its an illusion, a significance to its charred-looking petals. I shudder whenever my eyes fell upon the flower, so much so that I have avoided visiting the garden ever since it had appeared. What is it? Why has it appeared?

I doubt I would have the courage to visit the garden again...what with my failing to maintain any of the flowers that bloomed, what with that dead-looking flower appearing, what with my weak heart. Will I ever get the courage to visit the garden again?

I do not know.

But, while I am away, a new flower has bloomed. Tiny. Purple. But glowing with bright energy. Perhaps, in the days to come, when I return to the garden, I will be able to witness it bloom.....and die again, as it has always been with the others.

Untitled.

A slight glimmer, a slight reprieve,
A momentary shine, delightfully received.

A short pause, a moment's hesitation,
A short plea, ends in desperation.

A promise, lost in the echo, unwillingly,
A vow, made from the ashes, the aftermath of tragedy.

One last breath, one last intake,
One last effort, knowing what's at stake.

One more chance, one more window,
One more gasp, before death takes hold.


A promise, lost in the echo, unwillingly,
A vow, made from the ashes, the aftermath of tragedy.

The words that form, wanting to be told,
Held back in silence, before the people know,

The memories that form, wanting to be known,
Held back in silence, before it scatters..blown,

The emotion that form, wanting release,
Held back in silence, before the already deceased.


A promise, lost in the echo, unwillingly,
A vow, made from the ashes, the aftermath of tragedy.