The Journey We Took Together, Even When We Are Apart

This post is dedicated to my father, who as of 3/8/2012 at 12.15pm has moved on to the next journey where I would not be following. These are my immediate thoughts and the words are mine alone.
Hence, my epitaph.

When I first heard that my father had cancer, it was during the middle of my A-Levels A2 examinations, right before, what would have been at that time the hardest paper of my life, Further Mathematics Paper 1. Naturally, I was shocked and was emotionally unstable at that time. Taking several factors into consideration (my father has never drank nor does he smoke or take drugs whatsoever), this was really a surprise. To make things worse, it was tongue cancer, or commonly known as oral cancer, one of the most dangerous cancers in the world. I wouldn't go into much detail over what transpired after that. Of course, there was the scans, the reports and finally the decision to undergo an operation to remove the affected part. Little did we know that it was not the end of the fight.

It took a while but when his condition showed no signs of major improvement, a further scan showed that the operation had not removed all of the cancer cells. The cells had struck another part and this time, operation was not an option as my father was already so weak. What do we do next?

The next few months after that revelation was a struggle for him. How would you go about eating when you know that contact with the affected part(the tongue) would aggravate the cells? Still, he kept on staying alive, a true fighter. He might be emotionally unstable, or very weak or unable to talk but it did not matter as he kept on going for the months.

Right before my first year Mech Eng course final exam, i received news that even the second chemotherapy had failed. More critical options were brought up but with my father reduced to fighting with his withered body, how much suffering can he continue to take? There were talks of another operation but in the end, it was decided against due to his weakened body. After my examinations, i returned home from Semenyih to remain near to my father which was for the past two months.

It was not easy. Food was the main concern apart from his steadily weakening body. He was reduced to taking liquids but even that was causing him so much pain. While at home, I witnessed pain seizures occurring as he struggled to remain in control of his body. The pain I felt as I watched him was no where near the intensity he must had felt as he still, strongly, gripped on to the string of life.

A few people has asked me, " Was his death expected?". To be perfectly honest, I myself have no idea. My father was still a fighter even in his condition. I had expected him to stay alive, alive to witness me come back from my 1 year exchange in the UK. I didn't once, had the thought of him leaving so fast. I was always assuming, that with all the fight he had, he could battle it out with the cells and miraculously, emerge victorious.

This is getting a bit too long for an epitaph. So, screw calling it an epitaph. This is more of an account.

Today(3/8/2012), I received a call at around 12.30pm from my mother that my father was in a critical condition. We had not the slightest clue that he had already moved to the next journey. When we reached his ward, it was to see his body fully covered with a white sheet. I stopped breathing at that moment. The man, who had been fighting for so long, finally gave himself to God. No. He did not gave in, his spirit was still strong, it was his body that could hold on no longer. Thus, he passed on to the next journey, the one journey where I can no longer follow until it was my time.

Am I taking this fine? No. Am I accepting his death? No. Do I have the strength to face this? No.
I am not taking this fine. I am not accepting his death. And NO, I do not have the strength to face this.

But I must.

It is not for me to decide whether I should or should not. The responsibility is now mine. I have to take this like a man. I have to accept his death. I must have the strength to go through this. My father does not wish for me to be a nervous wreak of a human. He would have wanted me to go on with life. Mourn as you should, and then continue your life. I quote my friend "You are part of him and that part of him still lives in you. Life through this and grow up to be the person he wishes to see, the proud son, his proud son." He has left me a legacy, a legacy I should keep and a legacy I should retain. However much the mistakes he has made, however much the words he has spoken to me, it is something that i must remember. I am the son of my father. The journey we took together, even when we are apart is not something that I can simply let go. It is engraved in my memory.

I sit now, in front of my laptop, composing this account, trying as hard as i can, to remember his last words that were spoken to me. And even when his last words were not coherent, it was his last words to me.

This is not a farewell that I am saying to you, my father. I do not wave goodbye to you, not when I am still breathing, not when it is my turn to board the next train. This is au revoir. Wherever you are seeing me, remember. It is not the actions i took, but the thoughts that I carry with it as I go on with life. You may not be in this world anymore, but through me, you will see what your son has for you.

Chang Ching Wei