I wonder how long it has been since I decided to update my blog. An update done not by any of my alter egos but an update done by myself. The me that I try so hard to not fall back onto. The me that has all the weaknesses which I despise. The death of the previous 'me' was a warning that I had reached a zone of no return, a point where anything that goes wrong, will go wrong and that nothing I do can possibly rectify it.
How right I was.
Here I was, trapped in a bubble of illusion I conjured to rid myself of all the pain I would encounter. Here I stood, wondering when it would be safe for the bubble to burst.
Well, the bubble burst.
But not because it was safe. But because there was NEVER a safe time when the bubble can burst. My life has been shrouded, not with lies, but with baseless assumptions, cruel deductions, horrid assimilation of unaccounted pain and never ending torments.
Rich words. Exactly what a senior person would expect to see from someone of my age. The rambling on how you are always right and that the rest of the world was wrong. However, I would like to counter that thought. I prioritize the truth over everything else. Truth spoken, by each and every person, I would take notice of it and work myself to abide to that truth. Even when the truth is painful..even when sometimes, the truth kills a small part of myself.
But even then, the rebellious part of me denies such truth at times, as would how a normal living human of my age should act. But then again, to some I am not a living human. I am something else. A worthless pile of shit would have been an astute way of labeling myself, but that is not how the world is currently appraising me. The world is crueler than it seems. It sets out to cause pain and despair for a higher cause. There is no calm before a storm. There are only storms before a slight calming of the self before the storms resume the ravaging of your soul.
I live, if i am living at all, a normal life. Of course, recent events have caused many problems to arise but each of them I could endure. Tears were shed, blood was spilled but still, I never once looked at that hanging rope that has been inviting me seductively in recent times. There were just too many things in life for me to do that I could overlook that dangling piece of rope. After all, why should I even bother to take notice of it? There is absolutely no point in myself dying, not when there are others who I would be so glad to plunge their heads through the nook.
But, no.
Not once had that thought crossed my mind. Figuratively speaking. Committing suicide was never part of my repertoire. It would require a forced-move, or a case where I was in a serious zugzwang position, to ever make me consider such a performance. After all, if death is indeed the next journey, i would have to wait for the current journey to be completed.
You might be asking yourselves..what is the purpose of you giving such a long introduction, if it indeed is an introduction, to a blog post which oscillates around the premise of despair? Why let us know something that we all know teenagers would have? Why let us know what is natural? Because, however natural it is, we tend to forget what is most obvious to us. We tend to ignore facts that are right in front of our eyes and because our vision is clouded, conflicts began to form themselves.
And with that, I shall allow the curtains to slowly reveal the very essence of life that was me.
I am at peace with despair.
Or at least, I was. It has been quite a long time since I began to accept despair as a source of strength. Acceptance of despair as a beacon of strength came with sacrifices. Sacrifices which involved removals of emotions which I should have kept.
I was at peace with despair.
Despite knowingly throwing away certain emotions that were supposed to keep me sane, I knew despair would be a strong source of energy and spirit. I was wrong. The despair that I received, I could not assimilate. I could not turn its very essence into a lifeforce which I could use. I was lost. Because the despair I got was not just true despair, it was a despair that brought forth regret. Regret was something I could never get used to. Be it the regret felt by others or by myself, I could not bring myself to embrace regret. I felt despair, my source of energy, slowly fade away.
I began to lose a pillar of strength.
I used to be able to take the despair welled up within me and turn it into something positive. I used to think that with despair, I could go through anything, that I could stand up against anything that would come my way. How very wrong I was. The despair that was being channeled to me was not something I could take and make it into a sturdy brick which I can build up my defense. Instead, it turned out to be as corrosive as poison. Slowly but surely, despair was corroding me inside until I'm but a shell, no longer human. I could not bring myself to reveal emotions as I could normally do. I was a husk. But, there were strings which I still managed to cling on. Strings which defined my sanity.
But the strings were thinning out.
As I observed the strings, it was taking the strings(three of them to be precise) all they could to rein me in. There was only one string, a pale blue string, that was still held fast but the others were not looking good. One of the other strings was jet-black and every now and then, defragmentation of that string would occur. I could no longer hang on to that string. But I could not let myself go. Another string was bearing a weight as an additional burden apart from reining me to sanity. However, the weight was superficial, filled with nothingness, an illusory weight which was heavier than what it was meant to be. I could not rely on just strings to pull myself from the world of insanity. I needed a way out.
There wasn't any.
I was forced to rely on those strings, however sickening it may seem for me. The precarious balance which I have been forced to put myself in. Repulsion was all I had. And yet, I was still drawn under obligation to abide by the law the world has created.
And I am slowly running out of patience.
There is still time before I decide to let my other personalities be the dominant character again. There is not much time...
I guess we must all make sacrifices...when the time comes.
Chang Ching Wei
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