The Right Choice

We have seen how important making choices are. We have seen how it affects our lives. How one decision can bring forth so many chains of events that even one mistake can screw up an entire system of efforts.

But then, for each choice we make, the results, the aftermath must be taken into account. Are we making the right choice? Are we doing what is best? Are we choosing the astute course of action? Will the decision come back to haunt us in times to come? Everything, let me repeat it, everything, must be taken into account. Whatever actions we take, if we make a wrong move, there can be no turning back.

However, doing so is not an easy task. When i say everything, it isn't something that can be taken lightly. I really meant everything. Every nook, every corner must not be left unturned. Making the right choice means making sacrifices during certain times, some times even when you don't want to. Making the right choice means taking actions that is the best in the situation even if you detest it. Even if doesn't fit your desires.

Everyone will know what is the right choice is. Not everybody can make that choice. I'm not saying that those people are dim-witted. I'm saying this because making the right choice is that difficult. Picture yourself in a situation when you have an event to attend. An event would lead to a better future for you, your company and realizing your father's dream. Imagine receiving a call that your mother is lying sick in bed, hours from reaching the end of her life. Imagine only being able to be in only one of those places. What would you do? Risk the dream you have built for so long? Or risk the fact that you will never see your mother alive again? Simple, you say. You know which one you would choose.

But.

Imagine being in those shoes in reality. Making such a choice is not as easy as it seems. You would think you have it planned out. You would think you are able to make the right choice then.

Some can.

Most cannot.

Each of us has a drive within us that puts ourselves in the front of the line. Prioritizing our lives rather than the rest. What is important is how one manages that.

I cannot say I have seen myself in such a situation before. But, the time will come when each of us have a decision to make that will change our lives forever. For better of for worse, i shall leave that to the rest of you to decide.

HD

The End Of A Chapter..The Journey Of Another..

The end of my A-level course..the end of another chapter.

I honestly felt that this was the hardest chapter for me to conclude. There were too many things that I've attempted, too many things I've learnt, too many things I have endured.

Everything has an end.

In fact, 2010 and 2011 will be the two years I'll always remember for the rest of my life.

So many things..

Driving a car...and learning to speed..maneuvering..

Confessing..

Tragedies..

More agony..

All these are but the stepping stones in my life.

I'm regretting the ending of my course.

The new friends I've gained. The old ones that I still keep in touch.

Most of the experiences I've got.

Everything.

I'll remember every happiness and every pain I've been inflicted with.

The worst of it all being the fact that my father has gotten tongue cancer.

The fact that he has to undergo a 'commando surgery' next week.

The fact that he does not want to listen to advice when he needs it the most.

I'll remember all of this.

The suffering.

The admonishment.

The resentment.

The resolve that was never there..the resolve I had to shoulder.

Please, do not get me wrong.

I'm not saying this because I have no respect.

I'm saying this because I want to remember the fact that it happened.

Such a thing would not have happened if certain steps were taken.

It is too late now.

But not for me.

I'm better than him. That's a given. I will NOT succumb to the same problems.

I will be the last one standing.

And because of that, a new chapter begins.

A new journey lies before me.

A journey of pain, loss, despair and overwhelming fun.

I'm gonna love what's coming next.

Once again, I will let myself be engulfed by the wrath that is HD.

The person who will, has and is the better person.

The person who I've created from despair, rage and pain.

The person who is truly better.

As the page begins to flip, the pens of fate trembles..

What more is there to come?

What other despair shall we see?

What other pain shall be inflicted?

What other happiness shall shine?

Whose blood shall be spilt this time?

I do not know.

Fate does not need to know.

The pendulum continues its oscillation.

And so...

The journey shall commence.

CCW

The Last Day

The Last Day

I pen this,

Not knowing if I should,

I write this,

With pain and with solitude,

I pen this,

As I remember the feeling,

I write this,

With the dark clouds descending.

In the room, all alone,

Musics and score playing their notes,

The eerie tunes chilling the bone,

The sounding echoes of every note,

I cannot run, I cannot hide,

I cannot deny what He provides,

The heavy burden is now mine,

To the darkness, I am confined.

Destiny plays,

The same song on and on,

Destiny conveys,

The same message all along,

Fate plays,

The cruel note on and on,

Fate conveys,

A message so forl0rn.

The clock above chimes,

Letting them know the time,

In the night, moon so bright,

Losing the fight, on this endless night,

I cannot run anymore,

The chill has reached my core,

Caged and trapped, all the while knowing,

That this night has no ending.

I pen this,

As the light shimmers and dims,

I write this,

With the strength remaining in my limbs,

I embrace death,

For it has come to take me away,

I welcome my last breath,

As it ends on the last day.

-HD-

Salva Nos, Deus

I stood on the bridge that was above the highway,gazing at the setting sun. The red flames that were burning in the sky. The call I had received was not something I would want to hear again. Not now.Not ever. As I continued my gaze, another figure approached the bridge.

"Not going as well as it should be,huh?" ,the figure said. I looked at the face of the person. Pain was as he is, his face bearing the scars of suffering. Pain took out a cigarette and lighted it, offering me one. I shook my head as I returned to my gaze. Pain took a puff and sighed.

" I guess this is the end of the road..Our brothers shall not have to bear watching what is left to come. Anger and Envy had it lucky. They were able to see him."Pain said.

"Yeah, you guys had better not show yourselves to him. I doubt he would even accept my presence at the time being."I said. Pain snorted. "You are the closest to him, of course he would accept you. Just how many times have you helped him?" I looked at a speeding car that was doing well above the speed limit of the highway.

"He may seem as though he could take it but I guarantee he will snap in two days. Things like this are not meant to be kept inside."I muttered. "I wonder about that,"Pain said, "He's strong, I think he'll be studying now for his exam tomorrow. Despair has not quite showed himself. But.."

I knew what he was going to say without him finishing his sentence. It will only be a matter of time before he snaps. I have known him for nearly 5 years now, there is no way I am mistaking a sign like this.

19th of May. I took a glimpse at my handphone and etched the date in my head. This is yet another date to remember. A date where the countdown truly begins. The very day, when I, Henecran Dachgiwwing, am actually afraid of going near him. The day when he was left alone to wallow in the pool of darkness. Waiting for the end. But, never, i hope, giving up the hope that he has.

For what is to come, remains unknown,

For what has came, to be kept alone,

Tragedy and despair, both are the key,

There can be nothing compared, to this reality.

Dona nobis pacem

et salva nos a hostibus

Salva Nos, Deus

Dominus exaudi nos

Dominus miserere

Dona nobis pacem

Gloria, Sanctus

HD

Silent Cries In The Dark

I wonder how long has it been since I last cried. If I remember, it was not too long ago. I do however, know that I have rarely cried since getting through baby days. And if I do cry, it would always be for the same reason. Yes. The same reason that has always got me in a slump. The same reason that I had to depend on HD and my friends to help me get back on my feet.

It was always because of two people.

I would not want to disclose the names for fear of getting my ass hauled off. But, know this, these two people are the reason why the occasional rain falls in my heart. These people are the reason why i can always rein in my anger by sheer tolerance and self-beating.

And now, something else has come into play.

The clock of death has announced its presence. It appears, though in haziness, on one of the heads of these two people. The clock which shows the countdown.. the countdown to one's final breath. It appears but it has not fully materialize. Imagine the shock I had when I learnt the terrible predicament that befell onto the subject.

At first, I wallowed in despair. Though, this person has caused me to shed my tears, through responsibility and common sense, there is still that ounce of care left in me. I wonder, what would you feel like if someone close to you has a possibility of getting cancer? What would you do? How would you react? I felt despair. I felt depressed. No one would be happy if a person you are close to or having some sort of connection with contracts cancer.

However, my feelings of despair lasted only a mere week.

Why? I'm going to tell you why. By the end of the explanation, i would have relieved myself of a terrible weight. A weight that will continue to burden me for the rest of my life or at least until the weight has been disposed of. (For future reference, this person shall be named X)

X has contracted some sort of predicament that causes him to be unable to finish his food and keeps taking sick leave. A normal person would, after a week, consult a doctor to see if there is anything wrong. X waited 2 months. You read it right. 2 full months. Sure, he consulted a GP a few times, taken the antibiotics but seriously, one would have the sense to consult a specialist if the pain persists for TWO whole months, am i right?

Leaving that aside, a tantrum then occurred between these 2 people. And not just your ordinary tantrum. This time, it involved a broken plate and a flying plastic bag of rubbish. Imagine, a simple snide remark that caused that. It makes me wonder if my high tolerance is actually a very rare gift.

You might be wondering if the person had in fact consulted a specialist. He did, in one of the town's best hospitals. However, the results and tests which he went for are... to say the least, abysmal. Long story short, what is the point of consulting a specialist, when you are asking him to run a test on everything BUT not a test on whether you have indeed contracted cancer?

Foolish, you might say. And yes, I will very well agree with you.

However.

However.

We are in the end, human. And humans have something which we call fear. And not just your average daily fear. It is the fear of facing reality. From now on, it is merely a deduction I make, which is not an astute conclusion but it more or less sums up the situation.

I believe that X is scared. Afraid of discovering the prospects of having cancer. So scared, it seems, that he would do nothing else to check, choosing instead to suffer for weeks long. I am not going to be someone who wants to poke his nose into somebody else's business but....

"What kind of fucked-up reasoning is that?"

Do you mean to actually say that you are scared of finding out that you have cancer in the early stages and that you are perfectly fine about knowing it when it is too late? No, you may protest. You may deny that. But that is reality. Why wait so long to do a check-up? Why waste time and money to force you to, finally do a proper check-up, 2 months after not recovering?

Why?

You might be scared of knowing the truth. You might have a bad record on family history, having some of your relatives die due to cancer. Still , why are you afraid? Are you indeed one who retreats when you see a small stone in your beloved straight road, choosing not to continue on your path,until someone kicks the small stone away from you? I might seem to be insulting your very being but think. Am i wrong??

Am I?

I do not understand this concept of fearing reality. Or maybe, its because I have discarded some of my fears. Discarded enough of them to know what is wrong and what is right. And to know what is the sensible action to take..

I have said enough. The subject pains me even when I'm just taking it out on myself.

If you think you are better off not knowing, I wouldn't stop you. Even when you are suffering, I would still provide the support that is my responsibility. I may not be who you want me to be but you have to live with that. I will be better than you.. no. I am better than you.

So, all i can do now, is hope that bad remains bad and not worse. Hope that the bad can be good. And hope that after all of this, you would reflect.

The pieces that come together perfectly in a seam,

The melody and tune that fits without any forceful means,

The music that flows, further enhances the scene,

As it goes, the Hymn To The Immortal Wind,

For all the things that I've already seen,

For all the memories I have within,

I sought more, and became better than I've been,

Forever more, the Hymn To The Immortal Wind

CCW

Failure and the Return of HD

I could do nothing as I collected my trial exam results. There was a pit of darkness in my heart as i looked at the results. One word was enough to describe the results.

Atrocious.

Yes. Used even by two of my lecturers, my results were indeed atrocious. To think that I had sunk this low is unbearable. Imagine. Being at the top of your form, only stumble near the finale. It is hideous. The red marks that litter the question paper, the remarks so sharp, they cut through the very heart.

This was unacceptable.

This cannot continue.

I have slacked so much in the past year. Even my Advanced Subsidiary was inferior to so many other candidates.

This has to stop.

I have to regain what i lost in the past. I have to take back what I had unconsciously thrown away.

My concentration has depleted so much, its sickening. There's nothing to put the blame on. I'm the only one at fault. The chaos my family causes cannot be an excuse here. I barely even listen to them for starters.

It is time.

Time to bring back the one person who has been the stepping stone for my success.

Its time to bring back..

HD

Black Days

This is a poem i wrote about a guy i knew.. whatever happens, pls do not try this at home..its the routine statement..forgive me.

Black Days

The tree that stood tall and proud,

Bearing fruit that sang out loud,

Everything that has begun surely has to end,

It was whether it had done all it can,

Like the first page of a book, the story begins,

Starting with a memory, a recollection of scenes,

It builds the momentum to the top,

And like any other tale, it stops.

A black reminiscence, a dark past,

Painful thoughts that pierces the heart as it lasts,

His house, that he thought was a sanctuary,

Became his death, pain and agony,

He recalled the days of unreal peace,

He recalled the times he thought he missed,

But reality brought him back to the ground,

To where chaos struck all around,

A woman, screaming with unmatched anger,

A man, yelling with intense fury,

The woman, a flower that has began to wither,

The man, losing his grip on sanity,

For days and nights, his world was torn apart,

He felt the tremors, he ache in his heart,

He wanted to do something, anything,

But there was nothing, fear getting the better of him,

He remembered how the woman went on and on,

About regretting having a second son,

He remembered how cruel the man was,

Putting a price on his son just because,

He bore it within as the days go by,

Trying to hold back the tears, trying not to cry,

And then, a curtain of red, a black veil,

Flashes of silver, a chorus of wails.

The memory fades as he drew breath,

In a black cell, awaiting death,

His hands, tainted and bloody as ever,

The black days that will continue forever.

-HD-